Marauder's Journey
by TheNewManTheNewLegend
Summary: Sirius didn't die in the DoM, and he and Remus save Harry from a horrid summer with the Dursleys. The three men go on a worldwide rampage of booze, babes, and even a little training for Harry's destiny. Will contain random crossovers, just for the lols. Rated M for languague, underage drinking, drug use, and sexual references. NO SLASH.
1. Chapter 1: Set-Up

** /* AN: I don't own any rights to any of the recognizable characters or plots, they belong to their respective owners. The only thing I own is this plot and any OCs I create. Any similarities to other fanfics are unintentional, and I will try to give credit to any fanfics I knowingly use. For example, this story is intended to be along the lines of **_**Make a Wish**_**, by Rorschach's Blot. In addition, I will cherry-pick some things from **_**Harry Potter and the Lightning Scar **_**by questionablequotation. I will play very loose and fast with the timeframes and sometimes plots of crossovers I add in, so just imagine all these things are happening in this timeframe. So, with that in mind, let's get going!  
*/**

Harry Potter was miserable.

He had been back at Privet Drive for less than a week after what he, in his mind, called the DOM Debacle, wherein his friends had been hurt and his godfather killed.

Even worse, nobody had taken the time to sit down with him and talk about his thoughts and feelings about the whole thing. So he wallowed in pity and self-loathing.

For the first time, he was allowed out the house, even if it was just to go the grocery store with his aunt. When they got back to Privet Drive, they got out of the car and started carrying bags inside. Before they could even get the first bag to the door, however, a sketchy-looking blue rape van (**AN: a long, tall van with no windows other than the front and back windshield and often no seats in the back**) came screeching up. Two men jumped out of the back, wearing skin-colored panty hose over their heads.

Continually shouting, "Hut! Hut! Hut!" the two men ran over to Harry, grabbed him under his arms, pulled a black bag over his head, and threw him into the back of the van. The driver, a woman wearing the same panty-hose get-up, started shouting at the two men, "Go! Go! Go!"

The whole time this was going on, Petunia was standing stock-still, dumbstruck at the audacity of the three to kidnap her (admittedly unwelcome) nephew in broad daylight in the middle of the day. She watched as the taller of the two men paused before entering the van and ran back to her. He stopped in front of her, told her not to tell anyone then ran back to the van.

Again, he paused before entering the van and went back to her. Peering into the bag still in her arms, he poked a few things out of the way before grabbing a box of cookies from the bag. With another threatening glare at Petunia, he ran into the van, screaming "Go! Go! Go!"

Meanwhile, Harry was freaking out. He had been kidnapped! So much for Dumbledore's vaunted blood wards. He felt the van start speeding off, and felt the bag ripped from his head. When he looked up, he was shocked what he saw.

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were staring back at him with their pantyhose rolled up to their foreheads and huge cheesy grins on their faces.

"Sirius!" Harry shouted. "What the fuck? I thought you died in the DOM!"

"Nope," he replied with an even bigger grin. "I, along with the help of Remmy here and my little cousin Nymphy (an enraged shout came from the front of the van, where Tonks was apparently driving) decided to fake my own death! This way, you inherit the Black vaults, people stop looking for me, and I get to go wenching 'round the world with my only remaining brother and godson! Sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want it getting out. What's the point of being dead if people know you're alive?"

Harry lunged to his godfather, hugging him and letting out all the tears he hadn't let fall before. Sirius just held him while Tonks navigated her way towards London.

By the time they reached a parking garage close to the Leaky Cauldron, Harry and Sirius were bouncing around like small children, planning out the most fun- and, more importantly to Sirius, sex-filled summer they could think of. They decided that while Remus and Harry went to Gringotts to have Sirius' will read, Tonks and Sirius would start picking up supplies they might need, with Sirius under a heavy glamour, of course.

When Harry and Remus sat down with the manager of the Black accounts, a shifty-looking (well, shiftier than usual) goblin named Flankshank, the will was short and to the point. Remus and the Tonks family each got a few million galleons, Andromeda was welcomed back into the Black family, Narcissa and Bellatrix had their marriages dissolved and were removed from the Black family, and Harry got all the rest of the money, properties, and the Lordship.

When Harry received the ring of Lord Black, he was also given the ring of Lord Potter, since Sirius' will had also emancipated Harry, allowing him to take up his Lordships. When he put them on, he felt a snapping in his head, his eyes went blurry, and his entire body seemed to be sore.

When he asked the Flankshank what had happened, the goblin told him that the core bindings put on him when he was a baby had snapped, and the neglect and malnourishment from the Durselys had been fixed. Unknown to Harry was that the compulsions placed on him to act meek and try to be unnoticeable were also broken at the same time, releasing his true personality, more a blend of Sirius and James, with Lily's good sense.

Taking off his glasses and looking into a mirror on the wall, Harry was thrilled to see he was a good half-foot taller, a hair under 6' tall, lightly tanned, and well-muscled. Thanking Flankshank and asking him to begin auditing the Black vaults, they stopped at the front counter to grab three wallets capable of drawing any desired currency from the owner's vault. Keying all three to the main Black vault, they left to see what kind of trouble Sirius had managed to get himself into.

They found him next to an amused Tonks in Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Since Remus and Harry had taken so long in Gringotts, they had picked up their supplies and Sirius had dragged Tonks into WWW, looking like a kid in a candy shop.

When they managed to peel Sirius away from the Skiving Snackboxes ("You don't understand how much I would've paid for these at Hogwarts!"), they said goodbye to Tonks, who wouldn't be joining them due to her need to work, and went to the Portkey shop in Diagon Alley to get a Portkey to the United States.

Since Harry had shared the prophecy with the on the way to the Alley, Remus had put down his foot, claiming that learning also needed to be done on the trip, so they had decided to start the summer with a tour of the United States for a few weeks, hitting large cities to pick up women, and visiting the Native American tribes to pick up tribal magics and the Animagus transformation.

Thanks to a Black relic Sirius had found in Grimmauld Place called Thor's Cradle, they could slow down time within a set area at a rate of almost a month per day of real time. Since they planned on mostly applying it to the apartment trunk they were bringing along, they made sure the trunk's kitchen was well-stocked, as was the man cave. Somehow Remus had found a way to make electronics work with ambient magic, so the man cave was well set-up with several huge flatscreen TVs, the newest game consoles and games, and a huge stock of movies.

Deciding start on the East coast, they would spend a few days free-falling down the coast, stopping for a stay with the Cherokee, before moving West to hit the Comanche, Sioux, and Apache tribes and spending a few days in California, before heading into South America.

When the Portkey was calibrated for New York City, the man-child, werewolf, and Boy-Who-Lived shared a deep breath and with a shouted "HOOAH!" were suddenly transported across the ocean to begin their summer-long journey.

**/* AN: Here it begins! I'll try to mix up boring filler/training chapters with funny or interesting ones, but we'll see how that works out. I can't remember where I got the idea for Thor's Cradle, I think I remember reading about it in a fanfic somewhere, can't remember which. If that's your fanfic, thank you for letting me borrow the idea and possibly horribly mangle what I remember the concept to be! **

**For the record, I'm just kinda shooting from the hip with this story, not really following any set storyline. Sure there's probably gonna be a few couple-chapter-long arcs that follow continents they visit or something, but I'm just kinda writing whatever the hell I want to. Anyway, should have a new chapter out soon. Till then.  
*/**


	2. Chapter 2: NYC

**/* AN: Well, there's the set-up done! I know I promised a quick chapter, but this one was pretty much written already before I had a chance to post the last one, so quick turnaround. Don't say I don't love anybody following or reading this story. As always, if you love it, hate it, or have ideas you want me to try, drop me a review. If your idea is good enough and I can find a way to work it in, I may add it! Extra incentive! Btw, if you got the Old School reference in the last chapter, I owe you a cookie.  
*/**

When the three arrived in New York, they found themselves at Ellis Island to check in with Customs. They took a minute to find the fake passports given to them by the goblins, and were shocked by the names they were given.

"CHUCKLES MUTTLEY? FLANKSHANK! I'M GONNA NEUTER YOU NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!"

"Gaylord Wolfenstein? Not bad I guess. Definitely better than Chuckles Muttley, that's for sure."

"Mr. Funktastic? Dafuq does that even mean? Is that even a name?"

After muttering angrily to each other about bored goblins with terrible senses of humor, they manned up and went to the open booths, steadily trying to ignore the chuckles of the Customs agents at the names of the men in front of them.

By the time they had cleared customs and checked into their hotel rooms, it was nearing midday. Deciding to grab some food, they grabbed something some knishes from a stand on the corner. Agreeing that knishes were the best, they decided to wander around the city for a while before finding a bar for the night.

By the time the sun was setting, the three had learned from the hotel's receptionist which nightclub in the area was the best. So, getting ready for their night of drunken debauchery, they headed out. When they got into the club, they immediately went to the bar and started doing shots.

After a few rounds, Harry was starting to get surrounded by attractive women glancing appreciatively at him, and he was soon dragged to the dance floor by a horde of women wearing skimpy clothing. Despite his age, even Remus was getting appreciative looks from the young women at the bar, and found himself dragged off by a tall, dark-skinned woman named Ororo ("call me Storm").

Sirius, meanwhile, found himself locked in a drinking contest with a gruff, scruffy man named Logan. The two men went shot-for-shot and beer-for-beer, neither stubborn enough to admit defeat.

As Harry found himself grinding up on the perky ass of the gorgeous redhead who introduced herself as Jean, with the luscious tits of the blonde named Gwen rubbing up on his arm, he found himself beyond thankful for Sirius and Remus' intervention in what would have otherwise been a miserable and moody summer.

As the night went on, Remus disappeared with Ororo and Sirius was getting more and more trashed with Logan, Harry was getting more and more amorous with Jean and Gwen, and soon they invited him home with them.

Unknown to Harry, Jean and Gwen were both mutants and superheroes for the X-Men, and they had picked up something different about Harry. When he made a run to grab them drinks from the bar, they had agreed to introduce to their leader, Professor X and the other X-Men. After they had their wicked way with him in their shared room in the mansion, of course. Since their chaperones for the evening had either disappeared or were pounding beers like they were water, they felt they could get away with it.

On Harry's part, he was just happy to be going home with two hella attractive women. After the threesome got back to the mansion, Harry was quick to show the women just how useful Parseltongue was, and from their screams, they definitely enjoyed it. Their pleasured moans and screams also proved that the rest of their debauchery was greatly enjoyed, a feeling Harry heartily seconded.

In the morning, Harry woke up with a pounding headache, a naked woman sleeping on his chest, and another taking care of his morning problem. After downing a Hangover Potion he'd brought and given one to each of the girls, explaining both what it was and who he was. The trio enjoyed a mini-repeat of their night before sharing a shower, where they were further detained pleasantly.

By the time they made it down for breakfast, they were all thoroughly woken up and ready for the day. Harry was surprised to see Remus and Sirius both sitting at the long table in the mansion, though they both looked like hell. Remus was sitting next to the dark-skinned woman he left the bar with the night before, and Sirius was sitting between the man he had been in a drinking contest with and a bald dude in a wheelchair.

"Hey Padfoot, Moony. Rough night?" Harry asked as he sat down with Jean and Gwen.

"Hey pup, you have no idea. I lost track partway through my drinking contest. Apparently Logan (he gave a nod to the scruffy man next to him) and I stumbled back in here around three am, but I was only wearing my underwear and two patches of duct tape over my nipples. Hurt like hell to rip it off, that's for sure. But at the very least, I apparently burned down a building last night that housed a business owned by Lucius Malfoy, so that's always a plus."

"Hey cub, mine wasn't bad, but the wolf inside me doesn't metabolize alcohol well, so I look much worse than I feel. How was your night?"

"I had a great night Moony, thanks for asking. And really Sirius?" Harry replied with a sly glance at Gwen and Jean followed by a subtle vicious grin a Sirius.

Remus saw the glance, but thankfully not the grin at Sirius, and smirked. "I'm sure cub. But why in Merlin's name are you so chipper?"

Harry gave him a strange look and replied, "You morons didn't grab hangover potions before you left the hotel?" At their incredulous looks, he sighed. "You'd think that I was the professional alcoholic of the three of us. Don't you both have more experience with this than me?"

He laughed at their dumbfounded expressions. Sirius was the first to respond. "Well damn. Looks like the apprentice has become the master. By the way pup, this is Charles Xavier. He's a telepath, and knows pretty much your whole story. He's offered to post us up at the manor for a month of expanded time and train us, well mostly you, if we let him at least take a look at our NDA ("DNA, Padfoot" came from Remus), yeah, DNA. Whatcha think?"

Harry felt the hopeful glances Jean and Gwen sent him from his sides, curious to find out his story and ecstatic at the prospect of spending more time with the attractive and skilled foreigner. "Sure Padfoot sounds good to me. What will we be working on?"

Xavier jumped in at this point. "Sirius and Remus seem to think you'll be able to duplicate some of our powers magically, so you'll work with some of the X-Men here. You seem to be comfortable with Jean and Gwen already (he continued over Sirius' knowing chuckles), you'll start with mind magics with Jean and physical augmentation with Gwen, and finally I'll have you work with a young mutant named Kurt to see if you can pick up his style of teleportation."

He took a sip of his juice and continued. "Meanwhile, Remus will work with Ororo (he continued to ignore Sirius' laughter and Remus' blush) to learn weather manipulation, which he will try to teach you later down the line. At the same time, Sirius will be with Logan working on bulking up and trying to not look like he just escaped from prison."

At Sirius' suddenly horror-struck face, it was the rest of the table's chance to get a chuckle at his expense, knowing or having heard from their partners about Logan's dedication to physical training.

So, despite his complaining, Sirius got Thor's Cradle from the hotel, where they had left it, and set it up at the mansion, setting the boundaries for the mansion's outer gates and the two Marauders and Junior Marauder-to-be started training.

Harry found himself learning at a faster rate than ever before, and quickly worked his way through the altered versions of Occlumancy and Legilimancy Jean walked him through. He also managed to learn a version of Kurt's teleportation. He was able to go farther at a time than Kurt, but didn't have to worry about the squeezed tube feeling from apparition. He called his version telepopping.

Perhaps his biggest strides came in his physical training with Gwen. He learned to use magic to increase his muscular strength, reflexes, and situational awareness in a fight. At the same time, he learned the basics of hand-to-hand combat, slowly mastering the blend of Krav Maga and jujitsu Gwen favored.

By the end of the month of extended time, Harry was thrilled. He had bulked up a little, not enough to lose his speed, but enough to make a woman drool. He had also learned to block his mind from attacks, how to attack other people's minds, and telepopping. At the same time, he had also spent each night with Jean, Gwen, or a brunette mutant named Kitty who had joined the trio the first night he was there, or some combination of the three of them.

Remus had spent pretty much every day and every night with Storm, either working on his burgeoning weather powers or fucking each other's brains out. Sirius was not left out of the fuckfest, his improved physique after training with Logan landing a shape-shifting mutant named Mystique in his bed. She had also worked with him to manage partially unlocking the inherent Metamorph trait in his Black genes, allowing him to shift his face enough to not look entirely like himself.

When the three left the X-Mansion, they left with an open invitation to return at any time, and agreed to return before Harry went back to Hogwarts in September. So the three men left to return to the hotel and grab the trunk they had left there and check out. Since Sirius and Remus had no real desire to visit the Cherokee, they decided to head to Miami a day earlier in an attempt to pick up more women.

Remus ruffled his hair and handed him a cell phone he had modified to work with magic, telling him to call when he got there and knew his animagus form. Sirius told him to not do anything he wouldn't do, to a snort and a "That's not a whole lot of things Padfoot" from Remus. Studiously ignoring him, he added that Harry should take pictures of any women he slept with, and that they would do the same.

When Harry asked why, Sirius told him that, starting now, the three were starting a contest of who could sleep with the highest number of attractive women over the course of the summer. The three would rank their conquests, and add up the total score by the end of the summer.

Harry, giving an amused chuckle, said "Only you Sirius. Never change" and watched the two men Portkey off to Miami. With a shake of the head and an internal pep talk, he said the activation phrase on his portkey to the Cherokee reservation in North Carolina, ready for his next adventure.

**/* AN: Well it's done. Not really happy with how it ended, I may go back and change it later. Meh, oh well. I kinda rushed through the training, and I have no regrets. In honesty, I've read enough stories where they drag out Harry's training, and I just wanted to get on with it. This story is meant to be funny, not just dialogue and narration about Harry's training. So you get the quick version. I'll try to stay to that format and not drag out the training, but if people want longer versions of training, I may make some Omakes or something.**

**Pretty blatant X-Men crossover in there, hope you didn't miss it. For the sake of the story, just assume Gwen is the female version of Spider-Man and an X-Man, and that Mystique is an X-Man. I needed an older mutant to sleep with Sirius, and she intrigued me, and allowed me to deal with the whole "Sirius can't live in England anymore cause he's dead and/or a previously escaped felon" scenario.**

**I'm just gonna go ahead and say for the sake of the story that nobody has recognized Harry because he's not as famous in the States. We're (the US) a pretty isolationist nation when it comes to other countries and their internal struggles. Anyways, there it is. Onwards and upwards!  
*/**


	3. Chapter 3: Miami Madness

**/* AN: Sorry for getting this chapter out so late, Winter Carnival was this past week, which is basically an excuse for me to go on a four and a half day drinking rampage. So any writing (if any) I got done over the past few days is crap, unintelligible, or both. So I had to re-write or delete most of it.**

**But now I'm back! I'm skipping the training with the Cherokee, just gonna throw some of it in there as a flashback cause I don't wanna go over it again. Like I said, fuck extended training scenes. The frat scene is kinda similar to one of my other stories, a one-shot Harry Potter x Percy Jackson and the Olympians crossover called Master of Death. Since I can shamelessly plug my own fanfics here, go check it out! Anyways, here's the next chapter.  
*/**

With a sudden flash of light, Harry landed in the hotel room Remus and Sirius had booked for him in Miami. After the month he had spent in extended time with the Cherokee tribe, he was more than ready to take some time off and relax and enjoy the beach.

He almost subconsciously shifted into the direwolf form he had unlocked, still enjoying the idea of being able to transform whenever he wanted to, and thought back to first time he had found his form and shifted.

**FLASHBACK**

When Harry first arrived at the reservation, he was met with a lumbering mountain of a man, close to six and a half feet and heavily muscled, but with surprisingly peaceful eyes. Introducing himself as Winston Brownbear, he told Harry that he would be teaching him the animagus transformation, as well as running him through the ritual that would allow him to unlock the other animagus forms he planned to over the summer.

The ritual for his multimagus form was easily preformed right then, a simple ritualistic chant and dance around a fire, and he could unlock as many forms as he wanted. That night, he was more than ready to find his first form. Returning to the hut that housed the fire he had chanted around the night before, he was slightly surprised to find a handful of people with ages ranging from low teens to mid-twenties.

When he asked Winston about it, he was told "You have something that will let us run the entire month-long transformation in a day, consider doing this with a group my price for teaching you the transformation and the rest of what I'll teach you over the next month."

Catching the eye of a pretty brunette in the back, he agreed, privately thinking there were worse things in the world. A shout from Winston brought everyone's attention to him, where he told them about Thor's Cradle and the process.

"So as soon as Mr. Funktastic here sets up the Cradle, y'all are gonna sit around this fire while I throw in copious amounts of marijuana, and once you're all baked off your asses, you'll be contacted by your spirit animal, which will be your first animagus form."

When Harry complied, setting the boundary of the Cradle to include the house next door they'd be living in and the ritual hut, they sat around the fire, Harry sneaking next to the brunette he'd noticed before. As he introduced himself as Mr. Funktastic and she gave her name as Becca, Winston commenced the bakefest.

When Harry came to the next morning, he could clearly remember the dreams he had talking to a direwolf. Thrilled about having a pack-oriented predator as his spirit animal, Harry cheerfully set to waking up the rest of the participants.

**MINOR FLASH FORWARD TO THE END OF THE MONTH**

By the end of the month, the group was itching to get their first chance at their transformation. Harry and Becca, who he'd been sleeping with for pretty much the whole month, were no different. Both had wolf forms (Becca was a timber wolf), and they had spent much of the month either sleeping together or thinking about their first transformation, when Harry wasn't learning hunting and tracking with Winston or the group wasn't meditating around the magical fire to learn to access their form.

When the time came for the transformation ritual, the setup was surprisingly similar to the revealing ritual. Winston had magically expanded the hut, allowing all the animals to fit, and started up the fire again, throwing the magic herb on top, letting everyone get back in touch with their spirit animal, this time to let them free.

Harry was one of the first to transform, and once Becca had turned too, started fooling around with her in their wolf forms. By the time morning came and they could turn back to their human forms, they were both extremely frisky, and raced each other back to Harry's room.

After a few rounds of rousing celebratory sex, Harry said goodbye to Becca, took down Thor's Cradle, and got a portkey from Winston that would take him to their hotel in Miami.

**END FLASHBACK (FINALLY)**

Remus and Sirius walked into Harry's room, hearing the stumbling and swearing he always did after a portkey, and were shocked to find a full-size pitch-black direwolf sitting on the ground. It turned its emerald green eyes to the men, then shifted to the familiar form of their godson/adopted nephew. Remus was, of course, thrilled to see Harry was had a wolf form, while Sirius was more impressed with Becca.

After comparing the pictures of Becca with the woman Sirius had brought home (Remus had struck out), Harry had to admit that objectively, Sirius' girl was hotter. But he vowed to do better than him that night, while Remus looked on in amusement. Remus and Sirius were planning on going to a different bar that night, while Harry was planning on going to a frat party he had heard about while the three were eating breakfast at a nearby restaurant.

So, after spending the rest of the day at the beach, the three men split up for the night. Harry telepopped to the University of Miami campus and wandered around until he found the right frat house. A towering house with the letters Pi Sigma Omicron nailed on front stared him down, loud rap music pounding his ears.

Walking in, he was immediately handed a beer, and he made his way to the kitchen, where a group of students wearing blue Pi Sigma Omicron shirts were concentrated. Although the guys were nice, there was an undercurrent of tension since none of the guys knew who he was. They obviously knew his name, which he gave as Mr. Funktastic (silently cursing the goblins yet again in his head) from when he introduced himself, but they knew nothing else about him.

Wanting to ease his hosts' mind and knowing that the only way to truly know someone was to get beyond black-out drunk with them, he pulled up a chair with the Pi Sigs and started working his way through a keg with their assistance.

As the night went on and they all got drunker, each of the Pi Sigs were beyond saddened that "our bestest buddy and the coolest dude since Arnold Schwarzenegger" wasn't a student at the U, thus couldn't pledge Pi Sig. Shooing Harry away for a few minutes, they put their heads together. Obviously trashed, they weren't as quiet as they thought they were, so Harry could clearly hear little snippets of their conversation.

"Has to pledge to be Pi Sig" "...but he's foreign" "...coolest dude EVER!" "MORE BEER!" "...shut the fuck up Porkins, nobody likes you" "...outdrank all of us..." "see, Porkins just passed out" "for real, if Porkins got in" "but Pork Master P did go through the pledge process" "true, but Funky Funktastic should at least get honorary status" "I like that" "motherfucking technicalities and shit"

When they returned, Harry was unsurprised when they offered him an honorary membership in Pi Sigma Omicron. He immediately accepted, and celebrated with his new brothers with another beer. Some of the guys, deciding to make it more formal, took Harry, who was drunk enough to agree, to a tattoo shop to get inked up with a matching tattoo with the rest of the members.

Harry walked out of the shop with not only the matching tattoo, a rearing lion wearing a crown holding a torch in its paw over the letters on his left side stretching from his hip to the underside his pec, but also got the name "Mr. Funktastic" tattooed in Old English script in an arc from his right to left pec, arching up to just under his collarbone. He immediately went with his new brothers back to the frat house and celebrated with more beer.

Harry woke up the next morning in an extra bedroom in the Pi Sig house, his side and pecs sore from the tattoos, and his dick sore from the workout it got from the sexy blonde coed he'd pulled the night before. He threw on a pair of shorts, forgoing a shirt since his skin was still sore and made sure he had a picture of the coed on his phone (while she was still clothed, he still had some morals) before heading downstairs to say goodbye to the bros to meet up with Sirius and Remus for breakfast.

A handful of the bros were sitting around the table, passing a bong, and invited him to join. He agreed, and sent a quick text message to Sirius, telling them he wouldn't make it to their breakfast and that he'd catch up with them later. After passing the bong for a while, they started heading out for the game of Ultimate Frisbee they had planned with their rival frat, Zeta Tau Kai.

Harry joined them, given his status as an honorary Pi Sig, and they all trooped down to the beach, where the Zetas had marked off a field and were warming up. Skipping the warmup, the Pi Sigs instead all pulled out either a joint, piece, or bong and lit their preferred smoking accessory up. Harry shared a really nice vape with Tex and Simba, who he'd gotten close to the night before.

Feeling a nice mellow buzz going, Harry noticed the crowd gathering. Apparently, this was a yearly thing, and this was a tie-breaker game, given the series was tied at 17-17. They played a few warm-up points before the game really started cranking, and it was a close game. By the time it got to universe point (**AN: a tie game going into the last point, i.e. a next-point-wins scenario**), the game had been going on a few hours, stopping for a break halfway through to switch sides of the field and for the Pi Sigs to re-up their high and crush a few beers while the Zetas stretched and talked strategy.

Since Harry didn't have the blue Pi Sig pinney with the crest on the front and their name on the back that the rest of the guys had, he had played the whole game shirtless, letting his new Pi Sig tattoo show his affiliation and his Mr. Funktastic tattoo show his name. The unintended consequence of this, of course, was the attention heaped on his tanned, muscled form by the drooling bikini-clad coeds watching the game. Used to the attention on his form by this point, he had ignored the coeds, except to wink or give his patented lopsided grin at one every once in a while.

When Harry saw JFK (short for Jessticles Foreskin Coctopus, which totally shortens to JKF when you're drunk enough) catch an errant flick from McFly, the Pi Sig president, he took off downfield, leaving his defender in the dust. He saw JFK huck a long-ass hammer downfield (**AN: he threw the disc really far upside down, really hard throw to master**), and sprinted to chase it down inbounds. When he saw it would be long, he sprinted to catch up to the disc and did an inverted World's Greatest (**AN: he jumped in the air, caught the disc, and threw it to another player without touching the ground, all while the disc was upside-down, another hella hard throw to master**) to a pledge named Meat, who was trailing the play and performed a perfect layout on the sidelines in the scoring zone for the win.

After a quick round of handshakes with the Zetas, the Pi Sigs sauntered over to the cheering and adoring crowd of coeds and invited them to the Pi Sig house that night for an after-party. Harry saw Remus and Sirius in the crowd, looking at him with pride, and told Meat that he'd be at the house that night, but needed to catch up with his uncles.

"Holy hell Harry, how'd you get so good at ultimate?" Sirius cried as soon as he made sure nobody could hear him call Harry anything other than Mr. Funktastic. "And what the hell are those tattoos?" he continued, more accusingly.

"First of all, and most importantly, Sirius, I bagged another one last night" he told the man, pulling out his phone a calling up the picture of his coed, receiving a proud fist bump from his godfather. "Secondly, to answer your first question, do you have any idea how high I am right now? Those bros know how to make a homie welcome. And thirdly, answering your last question, I got hella drunk last night, and I'm now an honorary Pi Sig, which is the crest on my ribs. And while I was getting that done, I decided I was drunk enough to the get Mr. Funktastic on my chest. They're throwing another party tonight, so I'm gonna run to that. You guys going bar hopping again?"

Remus was the first to speak, since Sirius was still laughing on the ground. "Only you cub, only you. And yes, we're going to the same place we went last night. We both pulled," he continued, showing him a picture of the woman he slept with, while was still laughing too hard on the ground to do the same "so we've got a foot in the door. Call if you're not gonna make it back to the hotel again tonight?"

Answering him in the affirmative, he wandered off to the Pi Sig house again, highly anticipating the after-party.

His ungodly hangover the next morning, not to mention the two coeds sleeping on him, proved the party easily worth the hype. Trying to overcome his hangover-induced headache, he tried to remember what happened the night before. He could remember up through the impromptu Beer Olympics he had challenged the Zetas that up to, could easily recall dominating the Beer Pong table with McFly for a good two dozen games, but lost it after about the same number of games of flip cup.

Congratulating himself for a wonderful night, even if he didn't remember most of it, he dragged himself down to the kitchen, where a few Pi Sigs were milling around, cooking, eating, getting baked, or watching Planet Earth on Tex's big-screen TV in the living room. Most were doing at least two of them at a time.

He snagged a plate and a handful of bacon from the stack of it Meat was cooking for the active brothers and crashed next to McFly on the sofa, exchanging grunts that equated to "Hey bro, sick night last night, no?" and "Yeah bro, I saw you pulled those two coeds, nice one." He borrowed Simba's vape, which was abandoned on the table next to him and packed it from the dimebag he'd bought the night before, joining the rest of the Pi Sigs grouped around the TV in their recreational pursuit.

Alas, he knew that all good things had to come to an end, and said goodbye to his new brothers, heading back to the hotel to meet up with Sirius and Remus for the next leg of the journey. He got an approving grin and a fake sniffle from Sirius ("they grow up so fast") when he showed them the picture of the two coeds he'd pulled the night before, and said goodbye.

Like when he went to the Cherokee, Sirius and Remus had no desire to spend two months doing nothing while Harry spent his time learning another animagus transformation and extra training from first the Comanche then the Sioux tribes, so they were staying another two nights in Miami, before meeting him in Chicago, the next stop on their journey.

And so, with a shout of the activation phrase, Harry was gone from Miami, thinking fondly about his new brothers, and looking forward to what he'd be shown the next two months.

**/* AN: And...we're clear! Sorry, gratuitous Wayne's World reference. Anyways, what'd'ja think? Hit that little "Review" button below and drop me a line. Rampant sex, drugs, and underage drinking, I told y'all this would be an M-rated story. I'm keeping it to merely referencing the sex, cause I don't wanna be banned. So yeah. I may make it more explicit and ease into it more, but we'll see. See y'all on the next one!  
*/**


	4. Chapter 4: The Chi-Town Showdown Part 1

**/* AN: Since my last chapter came out late, you get another quick turnover. Yay! Don't get used to updates this quick, I'm pretty sure I'll be slowing down pretty soon. Anyways, here's your next chapter. By the way, pronounce Chi-Town in the chapter's name like Shy-Town, else the alliteration doesn't work. Enjoy!  
*/**

Over the next month Harry spent with the Comanche, he was constantly busy. He started with the animagus revealing ritual, almost a carbon copy of the one he did with the Cherokee. This time, he was the only one going through the transformation, and unlocked the form of the mystical manbearpig, a glorious creature that's half man, half bear, and half pig.

Thrilled about getting such a badass new form, he threw himself into his training, both the meditation to release his form he was used to after his time with the Cherokee, and the continued hunting/tracking training he received.

Another thing he received with the Comanche was training in the art of camouflage, and they even performed a ritual to unlock a full metamorphmagus gift within Harry.

By the time his month with the Comanche was over, he had achieved his manbearpig transformation, mastered shifting with the metamorph gift, and was an experienced hunter and tracker.

Thanking his teachers, he moved on to the Sioux reservation, where he went through another fire full of weed to achieve his animagus form, a bald eagle this time. Again, he went through an extended months-worth of more hunting and tracking training, alongside new training to achieve mastery of manipulating the earth element.

However, Harry's favorite new skill was when his teacher showed him how to achieve detachable tattoos. In other words, he could focus a bit of magic into his skin when receiving a tattoo, and he would be able to store the item tattooed there in his skin. Based on the idea of a familiar contract, where a familiar would be stored in a tattoo on a witch or wizard's skin, it was used by the Sioux to carry weapons around without having to physically carry weapons around. The best part was that a witch or wizard could still get regular tattoos, they just had to not focus their magic on the tattoo when they got it.

Given his familiarity with the tomahawk after three months' worth of training with the weapon, Harry got a detachable tomahawk tattooed on the tops of his forearms. Beautiful and deadly sharp, they were wrapped in black leather with an emerald handgrip and had a few feathers plucked from his animagus form tied to the top **(AN: I pictured a modified version of Connor's tomahawks from Assassin's Creed III)**. Detached from his skin with a whisper of magic and a pull on the handle, it was the perfect unexpected weapon.

Thanking his teachers, he moved on to Chicago, where he met up with Sirius and Remus, planning on spending the day sightseeing in the Windy City. They managed to make it through most of the day before the shit hit the fan, which, given Harry's luck and status as Fate's bitch, was bound to happen sooner rather than later. In fact, they were all pleasantly surprised it took them that long for shit to go down.

It started when they were almost run over by the single ugliest car any of them had ever seen in their lives. It looked like it was originally a black four-door sedan, but was painted over with a swirl of colors. On each side, the doors had the name "Shiva Kaminisoma Kandarkram" painted across them, and the hood had a painted picture of an ugly Indian girl of around high-school age on it over the name "The Shiva-Mobile." Perhaps the worst part of the car, however, was the massive trophy in a case somehow affixed to the roof. Standing on the roof of the car was a tall man, humping the trophy in the case and shouting "SHIVA KAMINISOMA KANDARKRAM!" at the top of his voice.

As they watched, the car, which had previously been driving down the road slowly, all of a sudden lurched and swung at the Marauders and Junior Marauder. It barely missed them and hit a telephone pole, unfortunately not doing much damage to the hideous paint job. However, the man humping the trophy was thrown into a patch of grass next to the befuddled three.

After a short time, wherein the Marauders stood around too stunned to move, a rabid-looking curly haired man came out of the car, ran up to the man lying on the grass and started repeatedly punching him in the balls, yelling "SCROTE SQUAD! SCROTE SQUAD! NOBODY'S BALLS ARE SAFE!" at the top of his lungs. He stood up, gave a smile and friendly greeting to the still-gobsmacked trio standing next to this random act of violence, and then the man ran away alternately screaming "MURDER!" or "GATTACA!" still at the top of his lungs.

The three men slowly backed away from the still-groaning man, who they heard was named either Tall Guy (if you asked the ball-punching dude) or Kevin (according to the man who had just now gotten out of the driver's side of the Shiva-Mobile), and headed on towards their next stop, the Field Museum.

As they walked away from Tall Guy, they heard him complaining. "Pete, Ruxin's gone too far by hiring Rafi as his ballsy-guard. You saw Rafi out there, and you remember when he forced Taco to suicide-scrote. I know that Ruxin knows that scrote season's all about getting an excuse to punch Andre in the dick as much as possible, but this is too much."

As they got closer to the field museum, they realized that the sky was slowly getting darker and more ominous the closer they got to the museum, and soon they were separated by a flood of people running away from the center of the storm. Harry determined to push on towards the museum, sure that Sirius and Remus would eventually meet him there. When he got to the museum, he found the single-strangest sight he'd ever seen in his almost sixteen years of life.

A short, fat man was wearing the oddest suit, standing in place and stomping his feet. This apparently was the cue for the bass drum strapped to the back of the suit to hit, allowing a steady beat to flow forth. Harry was just beyond ecstatic the man wasn't touching the accordion attached to the front of the suit or the cymbals attached to his elbows.

While the short man in the crazy instrument suit was odd enough, it was the life-sized and, more importantly, living t-rex and the two people walking around him that drew the attention. One of the people was a tall, skinny man wearing a black leather duster and boots, and he was throwing extension cords around the dinosaur's neck to the other person, a young girl around Harry's age with hair that was half bubblegum pink and half cotton-candy blue.

"Umm, hi there! My name's Mr. Funktastic, is there any particular reason you're trying to tie a harness around a life-size t-rex? I assume it has something to do with this apparently magical storm going on around us, and I'm a fairly competent wizard in my own right. Do you need any help?"

"My name is Butters, this is Harry Dresden Chicago's only professional wizard, and this is his apprentice Molly Carpenter. Harry tells me there's some massive necromantic ritual happening downtown, and we're on our way to stop it if we can."

The man now identified as Harry Dresden looked him and his apprentice over. "Right, Mr. Funktastic, was it?" At Harry's grimace and nod, Dresden gave a brief chuckle. "Alright, Mr. Funktastic. Sorry, man, but that's a really strange name, I wonder what your parents were thinking at the time."

Harry cut in here. "I blame my godfather, he managed to sneak in a fake birth certificate with that name on it to his lawyers/bankers before my parents realized it. He should be around this area soon, I'll introduce you, you'd probably like him. He's a real laugh a minute, that's why his parents legally changed his first name to Chuckles when he was five."

At Dresden's disbelieving snort and shaken head, Harry grinned. Dresden continued. "Anyways, Mr. Funktastic, here's the biz. The Darkhallow is a massive spell designed to give godhood to whoever completes it. Right now, there are three groups looking to complete it: guy by the name of Cowl and his apprentice, a necromancer named Grevane, whose minion we waxed inside, and an entity named Corpsetaker, along with her minion/ghoul. Cowl's a real heavy hitter, his apprentice is a pretty sneaky bitch, also wears a heavy robe/cowl combo. Grevane shouldn't be a huge deal, he's all about using sheer numbers of undead to overpower his enemies, which shouldn't be an issue with Sue here. Corpsetaker's the one to look after. She's currently in the form of a twenty-something college student, but she can swap bodies with people. Her ghould shouldn't be a problem to deal with."

He stopped a minute to take a breath and make sure Harry understood all he'd said. When Harry nodded at him, he continued. "Now, here's the fun part. The spell is like a massive vortex, and you have to surround yourself with necromantic energy to be able to get close to it. Hence Sue. Butters counts since he's my drummer. My apprentice was nagging me to go along, but she wouldn't be able to get close, cause she's not got any necromantic energy. We're gonna need all the help we can get on this one, so you up to take on some necromancy if Molly drums for you?"

Harry hesitated, then came to a decision. "Hell yeah I'm in! But only on the condition I get to reanimate something close to as badass as you've got. I've always said there's no point killing if it's not overkill! Plus you're gonna need all the help you can get, so let's go big and fuck shit up!"

It took but the work of a minute to find a pair of saber-tooth tigers he elected to reanimate, and a quick and (figuratively) dirty bit of necromancy later, and they had their necromantic energy to survive the Darkhallow. The heartbeat was a small issue, but they figured it out. Molly had a dubstep CD in her Walkman, which she had for whatever reason decided to bring, so they at least had the beat, until Harry looked out the front of the museum and found a brand-new black Mustang convertible with the vanity plate "CRPS TKR."

Since Dresden assumed (rightly, as they would shortly find out) that the car belonged to Corpsetaker, he okayed the "borrowing" of the 'Stang. A quick jerry-rigged runic array from Harry to allow the convertible to run off magic and actually work in the Darkhallow, a quick slip-in of the CD, and they were off.

Harry and Molly hopped in the 'Stang, leading the tigers, which they'd named Rex and Regina. Dresden and Butters managed to work themselves on top of Sue, Butters managing to scramble up without losing the drumbeat. They were on their way to majorly fuck some shit up.

The group of four started making their way downtown, Dresden managing some impressive collateral damage before he learned how to properly take corners on his massive beast. They shortly ran into a group of five adults in grey cloaks and swords taking down a bunch of rotting undead trying to kill the small children in costumes the adults were protecting.

Dresden led Sue into battle on the shambling corpses, ramming them aside like tenpins. Harry and Molly followed up in the 'Stang, proving the same effect, while Rex and Regina raced into battle after them, controlled by Harry's remarkable willpower.

Aided by the three prehistoric undead constructs, the group quickly finished off the zombies. The people in the grey cloaks, who'd introduced themselves as Wardens Morgan, Luccio, Ramirez, Yoshimo, and Kowalski, led the kids off towards a safe place. Harry quickly introduced himself as they herded the children towards safety, by now used to the snorts he got from his fake name, and explained why he was there.

Dresden and Butters had dismounted and were talking to Warden Luccio, who turned out to be the Captain of the Wardens. Harry and Molly had done the same, leaving the 'Stang parked by the curb and the CD still blasting that funky dubstep beat and following the Wardens.

While they were talking and walking, Rex and Regina had sniffed out the ghoul that was rolling with Corpsetaker, and their killer instincts tickled the back of Harry's brain. He sent them out to get the ghoul, and the screeching of metal and then the ghoul was quickly heard. Rex and Regina had ripped apart the car the ghoul was driving like they were the Jaws of Life, and quickly crushed his head.

Thankful there was one less thing to worry about, he continued, before his own finely-tuned instincts screamed for him to duck. He did, barely avoiding the blade Corpsetaker had tried to decapitate him with. He turned, quickly pulling his tomahawks from his skin, shoving Molly out of the way as he did.

Corpsetaker looked shocked she had missed, and even more so by the sudden appearance of the blades now in her target's hands. Harry went at her like a spidermonkey. Corpsetaker was quickly on the defensive, and started drumming on the drum at her side, calling up a shit-ton of specters around them.

Giving a shout, Harry continued to fuck shit up, and was quickly joined by Morgan, Luccio and Dresden, while Ramirez hung back and picked off stragglers with his pistol. Kowalski and Yoshimo had already gone inside the building with the children, taking Molly with them.

While Harry, Morgan and Dresden went to town on the spirits and Butters locked himself in some sort of shield circle, Luccio went to war against Corpsetaker. As she went for a stab to Corpsetaker's stomach, Harry felt a strange consciousness flow, and realized it was Corpsetaker switching bodies. He took the time to off the specters around him before spinning, throwing the tomahawk in his hand.

It hit Luccio's body in the middle of the forehead, just as Dresden's bullet took her in her left eye. Morgan quickly went after Dresden while Harry shot an Incarcerous at him. He explained the consciousness flow he'd felt to Dresden and Morgan, while Ramirez stared into Corpsetaker's now-dying body.

He backed up Harry, talking about doing something called a soul gaze. Now freed, Morgan rushed into the building holding the children, Molly, and the Wardens at a scream from Yoshimo. Harry shot his best healing spells at Luccio, telling her "This is just knitting you back together, this will probably leave at least a faint scar. You'll be out for at least a month between the magical exhaustion the healing brings and rehabbing it." He made a quick Portkey for Dresden's apartment, which he was given the coordinates to, and dropped it on the now-sleeping Luccio.

The new group of Harry, Ramirez, Dresden, and Butter, who was still stomping away in his circle, looked at each other, and they suddenly felt a massive shift in power towards where they assumed the Darkhallow ritual was centered. Agreeing that waiting for Morgan would take too long, Dresden and Ramirez ran to jump on Sue while Harry did a Dukes of Hazard hood-slide to get to the driver's side of the 'Stang and Butters stayed put, out of the way but close enough for Sue to still hear the beat.

The two Wardens, wizard-in-training and their combined three undead prehistoric nasties rolled out, intent on destruction and mayhem.

When they got to the center of University of Chicago campus, where the ritual was centered, they motley group ripped through Grevane and his legion of zombies and ghosts, Ramirez slitting his throat then giving him a swift lead headache.

Harry, seeing an opportunity, used his new metamorph powers for the first time, shifting into one of the now un-animated zombies. Cowl popped Ramirez with a shaft of power, and Dresden went after him. Harry saw who must have been Cowl's apprentice sneaking up on Dresden, and Harry whipped one of his tomahawks (he'd grabbed the one in Corpsetaker's forehead before they moved on) into her forehead, just like he did with Corpsetaker.

By this time, Cowl had bashed Dresden with the same energy he'd hit Ramirez with and pulled a talking skull out of his pocket. Harry tried to work his way over to Cowl before he finished the ritual. Cowl was chanting, his body arching with tension. While the dark power swirled overhead, the vortex danced over Cowl's lips, and let out a final shout of "I SUMMON THEE, THANATOS GOD OF DEATH!"

Thunk. Harry had reached Cowl and bashed him in the face with Dresden's dropped staff, but it was too late. Cowl turned his head back towards Harry, dark glee dancing in his eyes.

"FOOL! YOU DARE STRIKE THE GOD THANATOS! CHILD, YOU SHALL DIE!"

**/* AN: Cliffie! #SorryNotSorry. But I am sorry for using that hashtag. Kinda. I used it ironically, so it's kinda okay? Anyways, part two of the Chi-Town Showdown comin' soon to a website near you! Peace!  
*/**


	5. Chapter 5: Chi-Town Showdown Part 2

**/* AN: And I'm back! Short note this time, so we cut back to the action */ **

**/* AN2: Re-edited for a few things, then re-uploaded. Not a whole lot of differences, mostly cosmetic stuff.  
*/**

LAST TIME, ON MARAUDER'S JOURNEY!

_Cowl was chanting, his body arching with tension. While the dark power swirled overhead, the vortex danced over Cowl's lips, and let out a final shout of "I SUMMON THEE, THANATOS GOD OF DEATH!"_

*** Insert opening credits to build suspense ***

*** Cut to commercial to build even more suspense ***

"FOOL! YOU DARE STRIKE THE GOD THANATOS! CHILD, YOU SHALL DIE! I'LL RIP YOU APART YOU LITTLE BITCH! Hey wait, aren't you Harry Potter?"

"Oh shiii, wait what? Yeah I am, but keep it down will ya? I go by the name Mr. Funktastic here, keeps the locals off my back."

"OHMYGOD I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I HAVE TO GET YOUR AUTOGRAPH BEFORE I KILL YOU!"

"Umm, okay. You have a pen and something for me to sign? Hey, this is one of Colin Creevy's photos, how on Earth did you get this?"

"Hmm? Some lady's Chihuahua died choking on it, so it came to me in the afterlife. But that's not what's important now. SIGN!"

Harry did, and handed back the now signed picture and the Sharpie Thanatos had produced from...somewhere.

Thanatos gave an exceptionally unmanly squeal, bouncing around like a four-year old girl on a sugar high. He started wandering away, huge grin on his face. Suddenly, he stopped and made his way back toward Harry.

"WAIT, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIGHTING! Although I will admit that was a pretty sweet distraction, well done Potter. NOW DIE SCREAMING, YOU INSUFFERABLE CUNT!"

With a yelped "Oh fuck!" from Harry, he started dodging the waves of black energy spewing forth from Thanatos' hands like so much bullshit from the puffy hypocrite he'd heard on the radio named Rush Limburger or something like that. Pushing aside thoughts of the few minutes of the geopolitical sewage he'd heard before giving up in disgust and turning off the radio, he continued dodging.

"Well Thanatos, I don't know what this spell is gonna do, Luna only told me to try using it when shit was really goin' down and I needed to kick some deity-level ass, and lo and behold, I need to kick some deity's ass, and there's some real shit happening right here and right now, so here goes. UT FEMINA BARBARI SPATIUM PROPIUM TUUM INVIDANT!" (**AN: Spell roughly translated from 'May female barbarians invade your personal space' Thank you Google Translate**)

Thanatos' eyes widened in fear, dimly recognizing the spell from the annals of goddom. All at once, a half-dozen massive Amazon-looking women appeared, all naked and all wearing massive strap-ons. With loud shouts of "SNU SNU" they leapt at Thanatos, apparently intending to kill him by means of sex, and not the kind of sex most males wish to have with women.

Thanatos gave another effeminate squeak as the Amazons surrounded him, and turned and put his hands up to his head, releasing a massive blast of energy, exploding his own head rather than indulge in less-than-fun (for him) exploration of butt-play with the massive women after him.

As soon as Thanatos crumpled, the Amazons disappeared for whatever reson, not that Harry was complaining. He thought about the Amazons for a quick second before shuddering, dismissing it from his mind with a muttered "Good. Homie don't play that shit" to himself before he wandered off to check on Ramirez and Dresden. The two were only knocked out and had superficial wounds, nothing that couldn't be healed up within a few days.

He quickly looted Thanatos' corpse, hoping the Sharpie he'd just given back was still in a pocket somewhere, and not banished back to whatever hellish dimension Thanatos had summoned it from. He found it, and drew a fake handlebar mustache on Ramirez and a fake Fu Man Chu on Dresden before throwing the two in the back of the 'Stang.

When he got back to the building the children and surviving Wardens were in, he was pleased to see that everyone except Kowalski had made it. Yoshimo had broken her arm, Molly had scratches all over her arms and legs, and Morgan had taken a bullet in the kneecap from one of the children picking up a gun and accidentally shooting him after he'd killed the last of the zombies attacking them.

"Figures, make it through the whole battle without getting a scratch, just for some brat to pick up Kowalski's' gun and pop me in the leg. This is gonna take months to heal. Just fuckin' great. And now Dresden's never gonna let me hear the end of it too."

Morgan's running rant was broken up by Harry's arrival, followed shortly by the arrival of an elderly Native American wizard and a solid half-dozen nurse-looking type witches. As it turned out, that's exactly what they were, they were led by the man, Listens-to-Wind "Call me Injun Joe" as a medic force to mop up after the battle.

Morgan was left in their tender care, since Ramirez and Dresden had come to and had refused to go back to Edinburg when the group of healers and Morgan left. Yoshimo, citing a need to get back to the council, also left with them. Ramirez and Dresden, joined by Harry and Molly, all hopped in the Mustang that Harry was totally gonna keep, and headed back to Dresden's apartment, letting Injun Joe and the healers deal with the children.

When they got there, Harry did some quick transfiguration and conjuring to magically expand the inside of Dresden's flat, giving him another couple of bedrooms. He also took the liberty to drop some runes on the water heater, since he was decidedly _not _about taking cold showers. The two remaining Wardens crashed quickly, leaving Harry to help Molly rub in the cream Injun Joe had given her for her scratches.

He sat her down on the sofa, lit a fire to see what he was doing, and slowly pulled off her shirt and pants to access the scratches. He took a moment to take in the sight of her in a pair of black lacy panties and matching black sports bra, before kneeling in front of her and starting to rub in the cream. As he went, it slowly turned from rubbing in cream for medicinal purposes to just caressing her silky skin. Without a word, she got up, grabbed his hand, and led him into one of the new bedrooms he'd created, shedding the last of her clothing on the way.

The next morning found Harry in an increasingly familiar position: with a woman sleeping on his chest, her leg thrown across him. He extricated himself from her grasp and went to take a shower, patting himself on the back for remembering to pack the shrunken trunk containing his clothes into his pants the day before.

After reveling in the warm shower and throwing on a pair of sports shorts, he forewent a shirt for the time being and left his unshrunken trunk in the room he'd slept in and headed for the kitchen.

When he got there, he found Ramirez and Dresden talking to a good-looking pale man that Dresden introduced as his brother Thomas sitting at the table eating. However, the real surprise came when he saw Sirius and Remus in the kitchen, apparently trying to find Harry. Harry walked in, grabbed a plate of food on the table and sat down, greeting the Marauders.

"Chuckles, Gaylord, good to see you guys! What happened yesterday? I figured you'd catch me up, but you never did."

"Hey kiddo, good to see you too. We were on our way to the museum when we ran into this hella-tall bro that gave off a real menacing aura, and we both lost ourselves to our inner animals. The rest of the night is kind of a blur after I pulled a Moony and Chuckles here went all Padfoot on us."

Dresden butted in. "You must have run into the Erlking. He's kinda like the Lord of the Hunt. I'd summoned him earlier in the night to keep him away from the Darkhallow, and he kinda got away from me."

Remus continued. "Anyways, when we came back to this morning, we were passed out in the middle of Soldier Field next to Thomas here, who said his brother might know how to get in touch with you or something. So, here we are. And here you are. I guess it all worked out."

Any further conversation was interrupted when Molly wandered into the kitchen, wearing a pair of Harry's boxers, showing off her impossibly long, smooth legs, and the Quidditch jersey he'd stashed in his trunk.

While Harry was busy drinking in her form and smirking at the knowing (Sirius and Remus), envious (Ramirez), and disapproving (Dresden) looks shot his way, she made her way to his lap, where she parked herself and started eating his bacon. She dutifully ignored his weak protests about eating his bacon, and asked the motley trio when they had planned on leaving Chicago.

"Our only real plan, time-wise, is to be in Denver for the full moon in a few days for Moony's transformation. Me and Chuckles are gonna go all animagus on his ass and run with him, just like my dad did with the two when they were in school. Other than that, we got nothing. Why?"

Molly started to say she was just curious, though the wriggle she gave in Harry's lap gave a different story, before Dresden cut her off. "I was thinking about taking you in as a quasi-apprentice and trying to teach you some things, try and pick some things up from you, but if you're only going to be here for that little time"

Sirius butted in and explained Thor's Cradle, to which the three Wardens were dutifully impressed, thinking about its application in training young wizards and Wardens. Dresden didn't hesitate to offer his apartment for the remaining days till the full moon if they set up the Cradle. Ramirez agreed to stay for the duration of the two month's extended training he'd get while in extended time. Luccio would apparently stay too, since she was still passed out on Dresden's bed, recovering from her stab wound.

Sirius shooed Harry and Molly out of the apartment while he set up the Cradle, and Harry asked her where she'd gotten the dragon tattoo on her back, intending to get some ink of his own to commemorate the epic battle of the night before. She led him to the shop where she'd gotten her tattoo, along with her nose and navel piercings, and it took only a short time before walked out, sporting his new ink.

In deference to his opponent the night before, Harry got the symbol of Thanatos, an inverted cross with an omega symbol overlaid on it halfway up the cross, above a skull Molly called a "Punisher skull" on his right calf. He watched carefully and interestedly as Molly got her nipples pierced, but declined a piercing himself, for the time being. As they walked out, Harry dropped mild healing spells on his new tattoo and Molly's new piercings.

They spent the next two months in a near-constant state of work. Harry learned some neat tips and tricks from the Wardens and the Wardens and Molly learned a bunch of spells from the British trio. The most important thing Harry learned over the time training was how to layer spells into jewelry, much like Dresden's shield bracelet or kinetic force rings.

He wound up layering translation spells onto the Potter ring and a pair of diamond studs he'd picked out on the second day of real time when they went out to reset Thor's Cradle before their second month. This way, he could understand and speak a dozen or so human languages and a few magical ones without having to learn them. He didn't know it, but the Fallen angel inside Dresden threw a couple dozen or so other ancient and/or obscure languages, both magical and mundane, into the spells just for the lols when he went to Dresden for help on the project.

He also gave Molly the slip when they were out for the day and picked out a beautiful silver necklace that he layered a fuck-ton of shield spells onto and planned to give her before they left. Since the two has spent the whole two months working and sleeping together, they'd become close, and neither was looking forward to their upcoming separation.

So, when the inevitable separation came, neither was happy, but they understood it would have happened sooner or later. Harry received and extended passionate kiss for the necklace before they exchanged phone numbers, promising to keep in touch. Then, Sirius, Remus and he were gone, having apparated to Denver, for the next stop on their summer-long journey of fun, females, and fermented beverages.

**/* Fin! I was moderately surprised this chapter was as long as it turned out to be, I figured it be a dinky little thing, given most of it is training and I refuse to show extended training scenes. But I'm not complaining, I doubt you are, so it is what it is and we move along nicely. Till next time!  
*/**


	6. Chapter 6: Mile High Mishaps

**/* AN: Sorry this chapter came out so late, I lost the flashdrive that had this chapter on it. But I found it! Huzzah! The last update I dropped was just some cosmetic changes to chapter five, so sorry it wasn't more substantial. Anyways, new content! Yayy!  
*/**

Harry, Remus and Sirius reappeared in Denver, Colorado. Immediately, they were enveloped in a cloud of smoke. In fact, it looked like the entire city was shrouded in a cloud of the very memorable scent. In between coughs, Remus managed to ask a nearby man what was with the clouds.

"Whoa dude" the guy answered him, "like, you didn't know that Colorado just legalized weed, man? It's been like this all week dude, the dealers are starting to run dry. You wanna buy?"

Sirius and Remus passed, content with just their contact high, but Harry bought an eighth from the man and proceeded to pack the piece the Pi Sigs had given him before he left Miami. He got a weird look from Sirius and a slightly disapproving one from Remus.

"What? Don't look at me like that Moony, this is legal here. Ahh, god bless America."

With that Parthinian shot, he wandered away, working on his high. Sirius and Remus eventually caught up and the three wandered around the city for a little bit. Eventually, Sirius and Remus left to get ready for the full moon that night, telling Harry to enjoy himself in the city.

As he wandered, he eventually encountered a large stadium, apparently named Mile High Stadium. Intrigued by the loud shouts and air horns inside, he wandered inside and onto the field (**AN: Not viable, I know, just go with it**). He wandered around the field, trying to figure out what was going on and talking to random people.

As he eventually figured out, this was the Denver Broncos preseason training camp, and they were taking a first look at the free agents and draft picks. Harry eventually made his way over to a handful of scrawny-looking dudes and two beefy guys standing around doing nothing. As he talked to a guy named Matt, a man who turned out to be the special teams coach came up to them.

"Alright ladies, you're up! Kickers that way, punters with me, we currently have no punters, so we're looking for someone to step in and play day one! Kid, what the hell are you doing not in uniform?"

Harry, assuming the coach was talking to him, answered. "Coach, I'm not here for a tryout, I just wandered in to see what was what and wound up talking to these guys. I'll get out of your hair now."

"Hold up there young man, you have exceptional muscle tone in your legs, have you ever played football before?"

"Yeah, every day when I was younger, why?"

"Go to the locker rooms and grab a pair of shorts and a pinney from the grunts in there, suit up, then come back. You're trying out for punter!"

Harry just kinda nodded and went to do what the coach told him to. As he walked out of the locker room wearing the royal blue shorts and orange pinney, he walked back to the coach, who had a strip of tape ready to write Harry's name on it and put it on the back of the pinney. As expected, the coach snorted at Harry's name, but went with it.

As Harry spent time watching the drills he'd be doing, he made a terrible conclusion.

"Umm, coach? I have no idea how you play football. When you said football, I thought you mean our football. What you guys call soccer."

"Oh shit. Well, bottom line for a punter is you kick the shit outta the ball. Long and high. That's all you have to worry about for now. If you make it past the first round of trials, then we'll talk about other stuff."

With a gulp and a nod, Harry watched the last few punts of the guy in front of him, some free agent named B.J. Sanders. Harry realized that Sanders was just god-awful, and most of his punts were only going 20-30 yards in the air. Bolstered by the knowledge that he couldn't be any worse than Sanders, Harry stepped up.

As he ran through his warm-up kicks, he started getting a feel for how the football came off his foot as opposed to the soccer ball he was used to from his youth, and his punts started getting better and better. By the time he was done, he was easily booting the ball 70 yards a pop.

By this time, the special teams coach was nearly jizzing in his pants with excitement. Through the next couple of drills, Harry stood out more and more. Directional punting, pinning the ball inside the 20 yardline, sacrificing distance for hangtime, whatever the drill, Harry just seemed to have a natural knack for it.

By the time training camp was done for the day, the coach had dragged over the head coach and demanded he sign Harry. At this point, Harry had to cut in.

"Whoa there coach, I can't play for you guys. I'm on a trip around the world with my uncles this summer, and I'll be busy during the year. As I told you at first, I wasn't planning on trying out, you just told me to change and try out, so I did. I've had fun, but I gotta go and meet my uncles. Thanks for the opportunity coach, and if I had time to do so, I'd love to play for you guys here."

As he talked, the coaches' faces fell more and more. When they asked if he could just show up for the games and play then, his mind, incredibly influenced by the massive amounts of second-hand marijuana in the air, told him to go for it. So, with a shrug, he told them, "Sure, fuck it. Why not? However, if you do find someone else to take the job, drop a letter with Harry Dresden in Chicago, he'll know how to get it to me."

So Harry followed the coaches up to the front office, where he signed a four-year contract to play punter for the Denver Broncos. He even managed to sign for a few million dollars a year, including a hefty signing bonus, all for showing up to 16 games a year, plus the pre- and post-season games as necessary.

As Harry left Mile High with a half million dollars in his pocket (figuratively, the money was actually sent to the American Gringotts office to be transferred to Harry's main vault in the UK), he thought about how, for once, his luck was working for him. No fights to the death, no random baddies after his blood, but he managed to find a job with a steady income for the next few years, plus bonuses for getting that job and depending on his performance during his job.

"Yes," he thought to himself, "this is all working out nicely." So he did the logical thing to do with a shit-ton of money burning a hole in his pockets and on his way to meet a werewolf and run with him during the full moon. He went and bought drugs, a few ounces of shrooms to be exact.

Thus, when he made it to Rocky Mountain State Park, where Sirius and Remus were warding off a sizeable chunk of land for the trio to run around in, he was feeling pretty blitzed between the constant contact high and the few shrooms he'd snacked on while heading out.

When he found them, he passed the bag of shrooms to each of the men, who were quick to grab and partake, each of them having wanted to try shrooms during the full moon. Remus knew a few American weres who swore that the experience of running as a were on the combination of shrooms and Wolfsbane was life-changing, and Sirius was just excited to find a new form of debauchery for him to indulge in.

So the three men found themselves sitting in a circle in the middle of a forest late at night munching on psychedelic shrooms, waiting for the full moon to rise and transform one of them into a mindless slavering beast. Harry quickly explained his day during this time, and Sirius and Remus were beyond impressed he'd managed to land a job as a professional athlete in a single day's try-out.

Eventually, the moon rose, and they all started to change: Remus into Moony, Sirius into Padfoot, and Harry decided to transform into his manbearpig form, just for the lols. After they finished their transformations, the shrooms kicked in even harder than they had already been kicking, their animal senses making the experience even more trippy. So the three ran around the State Park, indulging their tripping inner animals.

**MEANWHILE**

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

As the alarm went off in the Al Gore cave, he was instantly at the computer.

"Quick boys!" he said to the four boys he'd been planning an expedition to find manbearpig with, "the manbearpig alarm has gone off! Someone's seen manbearpig! I'm super serial! I knew he existed! I've narrowed the signal to Rocky Mountain State Park. Let's suit up and roll out!"

He swiftly outfitted himself in his patented manbearpig-hunting suit, complete with shoulder camera and shotgun, and headed out to Denver, bringing the boys with him.

As the two Marauders and their young Padawan finished their transformations the next morning, they came back to themselves in the middle of Rocky Mountain State Park, nearly late for their next stop with the Apache tribe. So they all made sure they had all their things, and Sirius turned a nearby branch into a Portkey to the Apache reservation, and just like that they were gone, not knowing the chaos a rampaging Al Gore after manbearpig would bring to the Denver area.

**/* AN: Fin! Short chapter, I'm sorry. In case I haven't said it already, this story takes place in current times, it'd be too much work for me to scale it back to the 90's. For those who didn't pick it up, Harry was hanging around with Matt Prater (the Broncos kicker), the punter hopefuls, and two long-snappers. If none of those things mean something to you, you call soccer the wrong thing.**

**Another sizeable crossover at the end there, this time with South Park. If you haven't seen the Manbearpig episode, you have to. Right now. I'm super serial. It's hilarious. I saw a story a while back where the author joked about having Harry's animagus for be manbearpig, and I borrowed the idea. I can't remember which story, but whoever the author is, if you're reading this, thank you for the idea.**

**Next chapter will probably be short again, it covers Harry's next animagus transformation with the Apache. Good news is, it'll come out real soon after this chap, since they were both close to done before I lost my flashdrive. So you'll get another update soon, I promise. Don't say I don't love ya'll. See ya on the next one  
*/**


	7. Chapter 7: Peyote Thoughts

**/* AN: Okay, maybe not as fast an update as I was expecting to put up, but RL got to me and I had to re-edit this. But it's up now! I'd like to take a minute to address a review I got from that said, and I quote, "POS story. Nuff said." I never understand reviews like this. If it's bad, either a) don't read it, or b) give ideas on what could be done better so the author can do better in the future. Mate, if you're still reading this, I'm calling you out. Tell me what you think is shit about this, either in a review or a PM or something. I can handle it, just let me know. And, if you give me good ideas, I'll even use them! Anyways, mini-rant over, here's the next chapter.  
*/**

As soon as the three protagonists landed at the Apache reservation, they were immediately assaulted by the oppressive heat. Harry elected to stay in the Broncos shorts he'd kept on from his tryout the day before, while Sirius and Remus had to scramble to find shorts in their trunks.

When they'd spelled the shorts onto themselves, they headed to find the man that would teach Harry how to reach his next animagus form. As they searched, Harry had a thought.

"Hey Moony, Padfoot, why are you guys coming to this training session if you weren't at my last ones? Not that I'm not happy to spend time with you, but what gives?"

"Well pup, this ritual is gonna be different from the last three you've done. Where those tribes had fire full of marijuana and a month of meditating and shit, the Apache give you a bunch of peyote, take you into the desert, and watch you make a fool of yourself. By the morning, you'll apparently have come into contact with your inner animal and will be able to transform at will. It sounds like an accelerated version of the other rituals, and since you're not extending time, Moony and I are here to watch you tripping massive balls on peyote."

"Gee, thanks guys. Glad to know you're both such great guardians."

"No problem pup!"

When they finally found the man who'd take them into the desert and partially guide Harry through his next transformation, they wasted very little time hopping in the back of his WWII-era Jeep and headed into the desert. They set up a tent for each of them, got a fire going, and Harry sat down to start getting higher than a shuttle to Mars.

By the time the sun set, Harry had found his next form, a common rattlesnake. The only problem was, he found his form a lot sooner than anyone had ever done before in this particular ritual, most likely a side effect of having already found his previous forms. However, he'd consumed enough peyote to keep him high for the entire night, so he had a few hours left to work his way through the rest of his peyote high.

Sirius and Remus decided that, since Harry no longer needed watching or guidance to find his form, they too indulge in some peyote. The Apache tribesman with them made sure they had a fire going, had enough peyote to last the night, and went to bed, leaving the three sitting around the fire, high as kites. Harry was the first to break the silence.

"Guys, check this out. I know how this whole thing is gonna end. So we're all in this graveyard right, and Voldemort and his Death Eaters all show up and start firing. And Moody and Shacklebolt are there, and they open fire. WHOOSH! There's a random Vietnamese dude in a priest's outfit in the trees opening fire with a flamethrower!

"And Remus is there, writing notes and shit, but it's cool, nobody thinks he's a pussy or anything. All of a sudden, Tonks is there. She gets mown down. Just fucking MOWN DOWN! And Remus loses it. Pulls out a pair of pistols and starts shooting. Suddenly Shack and Moody are down, then Sirius get pushed through some piece of cloth of death or some other shitty way to go out or something. But after Remus goes down too, it's just me and Voldemort, and I cap him, before succumbing to my own wounds and dying peacefully. How's that?"

Remus and Sirius just sat there for a minute, trying to comprehend the complexities of the story Harry had just woven for him. They looked over, seeing that he was eating marshmallows and was wearing a frog beanie cap he'd pulled from god knows where. They thought for a few more minutes, and then told him, "That was fucking terrible! What the fuck was that? Everybody died! What the fuck!"

Harry grumped and sulked, lay back, and stared at the wide-open sky above them. After contemplating the mysteries of the world for a while, he decided that he was waaaaay to fucking high to be able to contemplate shit.

Sirius and Remus were going through similar actions on their side of the fire. They eventually got into an argument about whether quantum physics subscribed to the string theory or the quantum loop theory. After a short argument, they couldn't remember what they were arguing about, and decided that hyperdimensions were some trippy-ass shit, and left it at that.

After the three lay back staring at the sky, Harry broke the silence again.

"I'm thinking about legally changing my middle name to fucking. Harry Fucking Potter just rolls off the tongue nicely doesn't it? Fuck it, I'm doing it."

He pulled out some paper and Thanatos' Sharpie that he'd never actually gotten rid of, and wrote a short note detailing his change of identity. He stamped it with his Potter and Black family rings, and had Remus witness it. Sirius would, but he was dead, which admittedly was a small problem with the legality of him witnessing anything.

As they finished the note, Harry got an envelope from his pocket, since apparently his drug-induced subconscious decided an envelope was necessary to the process of consuming peyote in the desert. "So, we just need to send this to the goblins..."

Sirius interrupted Harry's musings. "Nah pup, you need to send that to your lawyers. I have no idea why everyone thinks that Gringotts does literally everything in our society, but all they really do is banking. They do it well, but that's it. They only did my will because of the massive shift of wealth that went with my death, and they only got us our fake passports because they have contacts to get these things we couldn't. Well, outside of Dung that is, but he's always flaky, and I don't trust his merchandise. Send that to Dewey, Cheatum, and Tonks, that's the firm the Potters have on retainer."

"Tonks, like..."

"Yeah, Nymmy's mum Andi is a partner. She'll take it to the Ministry for you and they'll process it and legally change your middle name."

"Sweet. Now just gotta send this off."

With that, Harry was off to try and find some way to send a letter to England from the middle of the Southeastern United States.

**MEANWHILE, OVER THE GREAT PLAINS**

She wings her way through the skies, lording her dominion over all those who would dare to challenge her. She reigns over all she sees. She is beauty and she is grace. She is elegance and taste. She is also being called subconsciously by her minion.

With an internal sigh, Hedwig gave up her dreams of being Miss America and started winging towards where her minion needed her, deciding to humor him. So, with a heft of her wings, she started the journey towards the American southwest.

When she reached her minions and his companions, she was struck by the single strangest sight she'd seen in all her owl years.

Her minion was chasing down a small desert owl that was being magically summoned by the two older sources of bacon. When her minion finally captured the deficient owl, he started yelling at it, apparently trying to frighten the waste of feathers into taking a letter to the UK.

**BACK TO HARRY**

Harry had just caught the small desert owl and was trying to impart onto it the necessity of taking the letter he had tied to its leg to Gringotts bank in the London, when Hedwig showed up from nowhere and landed on his shoulder. As shown by her sharp talons digging into his shoulder, she was very unhappy. Either for trying to use an owl other than her for a delivery or for calling her to him and distracting her from what she was doing, he had no idea. But either way, he released the frightened desert owl he had captured and tried to use as a delivery mechanism and tied it to Hedwig instead.

Knowing how Hedwig worked, he tried to scrounge up some form of meat to give her as payment for her delivery. However, the only thing his peyote-influenced mind could find to give his owl was more peyote. Deciding there was no reason _not _to give his prized owl a highly restrictive and hallucinogenic drug, he held some up to her.

Hedwig sniffed imperiously at the offering her minion gave unto her, and decided that even though it wasn't her favored bacon, she would try it. He happily munched it down and held out her leg to allow Harry to tie the letter to it.

By the time Harry had untied the letter from the desert owl, released it, and turned to tie it onto Hedwig, the peyote had hit her. She let go of Harry's shoulder and lay down on her back, looking up at the sky and contemplating shit.

Harry shrugged, let it go, and lay down next to her, happy to share such an experience with his first friend.

As time went on, Harry and Hedwig consumed more peyote, re-upping their high as necessary. Harry, Remus, and Sirius had totally forgotten the fact that this experience was designed to allow humans to find their animagus transformation, and since no animal had gone through the process, they were all justifiably shocked when Hedwig went through a reverse transformation and suddenly became human.

She was beautiful, with pale skin and amber eyes. Her curves while human were just as elegant as they were when she was an owl, which is to say very. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily for the men involved, she appeared with an elegant Greek-style dress off one shoulder that was pale white with black patches that matched the spots on her wings.

"Minion!" was her first word. She closely followed with "what has happened minion? Why am I not in my feathered body?"

"Oh shit Hedwig, you must have reverse-transformed from an animagus into a human" replied Harry, the human most likely to be her minion, who decided not to acknowledge the whole minion comment.

"Very well minion, this is acceptable. You must teach me how to do your version of instant transformation though."

Harry decided this was fair and taught her how to telepop. They spent the rest of the night talking, and Harry eventually managed to convince Hedwig he wasn't her minion.

Harry woke up the next morning with a familiar weight on his chest. As it turned out, it was Hedwig's naked human form draped over him this time, and it was a beautiful view. Hedwig woke up shortly after and telepopped Harry's note to Gringotts before he remembered writing it. When she returned, she told him she would be wandering the States in her human form, but would show up if he needed to send a letter, then she was gone.

Harry, Remus, and Sirius shortly followed her example, leaving the Apache reservation for the next stop on their journey, Las Vegas, old Sin City itself.

**/* AN: Fun note, this chapter was what got me to start writing this story. I'd just seen 7 Psychopaths, which was the basis of most of the 'peyote in the desert' scene, and I got this idea in my head of them sorta recreating their writing session. Then I a story (I can't remember which at this time) which used the whole 'high on peyote for an animagus transformation' and I was all like, whoa, I can use that shit, it's perfect. And then I read Harry Potter and the Lightning Scar and I was all like whoa, this can be part of their wenching 'round the world tour. And then it just kinda mutated from there to what it is now. **

**So yeah, fun stuff. Bonus points if you recognized the Miss America theme from Miss Congeniality in there. God bless William Shatner. New chapter should be out soon, I make no promises though. I should have plenty of time to write this weekend, but we'll see if I choose to write or drink. Should be a toss-up. Either way, catch y'all on the flip side.  
*/**


	8. Chapter 8: Vegas, Baby Day One

**/* AN: I chose drinking over writing over the weekend. Mea culpa. And, I guess I forgot to post the last chapter on Friday, as I'd intended to do. Again, mea culpa. Hopefully I'll be able to just rip off a string of chapters really quick. But we'll see. Anyways, here's a new chapter for y'all!  
*/**

The motley trio appeared into being in the next stop on their world-wide tour of debauchery, Sin City itself, Las Vegas. Remus had already booked a trio of rooms in the Mirage, so they quickly made their way there and checked into their rooms. Since they had a whole day to fuck around in the city, the three agreed to meet on the casino floor that night.

Sirius and Remus were off like shots, almost certainly heading for the nearest strip club. Meanwhile, Harry decided to just wander the strip and wind whatever interested him. He eventually found it just smack dab in the middle of the Vegas strip on a large empty parcel of land: he found something called American Ninja Warrior sectionals.

Apparently based on a popular Japanese game show, there was a large obstacle course the contestants would have to negotiate, with a certain number of people making it going to the national-level finals late in the summer. Shrugging his shoulders and deciding he had nothing better to do with his day than wait in line and possibly get a shot at the course, he signed up and queued up.

As he waited in line, he found out that some of the people in line around him were invited to the course, like the short brunette bombshell behind him named Kacy, who was a former NCAA gymnast and perennial contestant on the show. Others around him were walk-ons like he was, and still others had actually been on Sasuke, the original Japanese show.

By the time it was Harry's turn, he was starting to get psyched up. Thankfully, when he'd entered the line, he was wearing his running shoes, athletic shorts, and a tight muscle tee. He shed the tee at the starting line and bounced around a little before the buzzer rang and he was off, vowing to himself to do the course without magically augmenting his muscles.

First was the series of five slanted steps at a fair distance, causing him to bounce from one step to the other. He easily passed the obstacle. Next was a rolling cylinder he had to wedge himself into using hand- and foot-holds. He wedged himself in neatly and easily passed this obstacle too.

Next was another seemingly easy obstacle, a slack-line ladder with four steps. Harry decided to go with the faster route of simply running over the four steps instead of shuffling along the sides of the ladder, which was safer, but slower. He easily passed the first three, almost fell on the fourth, and took a flying leap to reach the platform

He easily passed the jumping bars to cargo net, in which he jumped on a mini trampoline, grabbed a bar, swung and jump to the next bar, then did the same to grab a cargo net. A quick climb to the bottom of the rope, avoiding the water under him which would disqualify him if touched, and he was through.

The monkey peg was next; a series of holes suspended over the water and two pegs to pull in and out of holes to move along. He slowly but surely worked his way along the dozen or so feet of pegs and dropped onto the next platform. After running up the warped wall, a 12-foot high wall with a gentle inwards bend, he was onto the hardest part of the course.

The last four obstacles were the toughest ones on the course: the salmon ladder, cannonball alley, the body prop, and the spider wall. The salmon ladder consisted of hanging from a bar propped up on two pegs, then bodily lifting oneself to the next set up pegs above and repeating, all suspended above the freezing, disqualifying water. Harry slowly but carefully made his way up the ladder

Cannonball alley was a new obstacle that had tripped up countless competitors before him, but a man named Kevin had been the first to complete it a few people ahead of Harry. It consisted of three consecutive cannonballs, getting larger the farther one went, from which the competitor had to hang and swing to the next. While Kevin had decided to hang by his knees from the third cannonball, Harry chose to go the conventional method and swung his way through the alley.

Next for Harry was the body prop, a vicious obstacle designed to test the entire body. He had to wedge himself between two long planks, completely parallel to the ground, and slowly walk himself down the few dozen feet to the end, skipping over a large gap on one side of the planks. Harry again slowly but surely worked his way through the obstacle, thanking all the fighting and running for his life he'd done throughout his years for the massive amount of stamina he had.

The final obstacle finally came, and the crowd was going berserk. He was the first person to make it to the spider climb that day. He wedged himself between the two walls and slowly worked his way up the few dozen feet to the top and the buzzer to officially end his run with a victory and assure his spot in the finals a few months down the line.

By the time he hit the buzzer, he was completely wiped out. He Tebowed triumphantly at the top of the spider climb, flashed the letters at the camera with his hands as a symbol towards his brothers in Miami, tapped the Mr. Funktastic tattoo on his chest, and then collapsed, panting heavily. He made his way down, and was accosted by the extremely attractive woman the studio had doing interviews.

He gave a quick interview, did some flirting, and got her number for him to look up later. He gave her a wink and a quick albeit soft slap on the ass when nobody was looking, then gave his attention to Kacy's run. When she made it to the top of spider climb to become the second automatic bid for the finals, he was as pumped as the rest of the audience. When she went to give her interview, he gave her a brief hug in congratulations, got her number, then wandered off, no longer interested in the competition now he and his friend had been guaranteed made the finals.

Since Harry still had a few hours until he had to meet Sirius and Remus back at the Mirage, he wandered into the Mohegan Sun, just for the lols and to see what was what. He was slightly surprised to see a cowboy competition inside. They were hosting the world championships of cowboying, a sort of Cowboy Olympics, with competitions in everything from bull-riding to cattle-roping, and even odder competitions like bean-eating and tobacco-spitting. All in all, a robust competition to test the everyday skills of the best cowboys.

To fit in better, Harry ducked into a bathroom and transfigured his outfit: chaps over jeans with a massive golden buckle in the shape of the state of Texas, boots, spurs, a button-down shirt, bolo tie, and most importantly, a gigantic ten-gallon hat.

He passed on the bull-riding and steer wrestling and wandered over to the quick draw challenge, where two cowboys faced off with paintball six-shooters, then tried to outdraw the other. Harry did that for a little while, but his reflexes and hand-eye coordination easily outmatched every other cowboy trying. After easily winning that competition, he grew bored and wandered on.

He eventually made his way to the 100-meter mosey competition, which he was extremely excited about. He threw his name down for the competition starting soon and drew into the first heat of around a dozen or so. The top three positions in the race would move onto the next heats, and so on and so on until a single winner was left over.

Harry lined up at the starting line with seven other cowboys, and assumed the proper moseying position: chest thrown forward, legs slightly bowed, and thumbs tucked into the belt. When the gun went off, he went off like a very slow-moving shot. He won that heat easily, and consequently every other heat, eventually winning the whole thing.

After winning the 100-meter mosey, he graduated himself to the mosey marathon, which as opposed to regular marathons, was only two miles. Let's be real, if you had to mosey a 23+ mile course, you'd be at it for-fucking-ever. But anyways. The mosey marathon, unlike the sprint mosey, was all done in one heat, it was an all-or-nothing single-shot competition. Harry surprised himself by winning that as well.

Tired of moseying, Harry wandered for a while. He stopped at the cow-punching event, where competitors actually literally punched cows, and he managed to knock his cow out with a punch and even dislocated its jaw, whereas the even heartiest of cowboys just managed to make the cow wobble and very rarely fall, even if they got back up after.

Finally, Harry was running out of time to meet up with Sirius and Remus, so he stopped at one last competition before calling it a day. He decided that cigarette-rolling was similar enough to rolling a joint that he went for that competition. Each contestant got a bag of baccy and would roll as many cigs as they could in a ten-minute period, with the bags being replaced when emptied.

Harry worked like a blur, his hand-eye coordination and practice gotten in with the Pi Sigs and the Broncos players coming in handy, and he easily dominated the competition again. Luckily, he got to keep the cigarettes he rolled, and even got a sweet cigarette holder for winning the event. He had to enchant it under the table to actually hold all the cigarettes he made, but that was easily done, and soon it was packed with hand-rolled cigarettes.

Eventually, he had to leave, but was crowned king of the cowboys before he left, his five events won easily putting him ahead of the next-best cowboy and securing him the prize, a massive golden trophy in the shape of Texas and a ranch in that state with a herd of a few thousand cows.

Making a mental note to pass the details of his newest business to the goblins, he got an odd flicker of a memory of writing to the gobbos when he was still blasted on peyote. Resolving to put that to the back of his mind and find out what that was about later on, he made his way back to the Mirage to meet Sirius and Remus.

When he walked into the hotel, he realized that he'd forgotten to transfigure his outfit back from his cowboy getup, so Sirius and Remus broke into stitches as they caught sight of him and his Texas-sized and –shaped trophy. He ignored them with as much dignity as he could muster and went up to his room to change into clothing more suitable for the casinos they planned on going to that night.

Once into his slacks and emerald silk button-down, he went back down to the lobby, where he was surprised to see Tonks, who looked like a million bucks and change in a pink cocktail dress that perfectly matched her hair and looked to be painted on her wonderful curves. He was even more shocked to see Molly Carpenter, who was apparently in Sin City for something called SplatterCon. When she saw Sirius and Remus, she rightly figured Harry would be with them shortly, and waited with them to see him.

The rest of the night passed in a blur of copious amounts of alcohol, gambling, and women. Tonks and Molly stuck by Harry for most of the night, though he did have a chance to slip off and bang the hot reporter from earlier that day in the bathroom. Life for Harry was good.

**/* AN: Yeah, chapter done! This is only the first of two days for Harry's Vegas rampage, look for day two coming out shortly. In theory. I know that American Ninja Warrior qualifiers aren't done if Vegas, only the final is, plus the fact that (according to the 2015 taping schedule) qualifiers start in March and the finals are in June, but just go with it, okay? The course I used is from the Season 6 Venice qualifier.**

**The Kevin mentioned in the ANW section is based on Kevin Bull, who was an actual competitor, and was the first competitor to beat cannonball alley in whatever season it debuted. Kacy is a reference to Kacy Catanzaro, who is another real-life Ninja, and one of my favorite Ninjas at that, ever since she became the first woman to qualify for an ANW finals event. Plus she's goddamn gorgeous. Anyways.**

**The Cowboy Olympics was started my brainchild that spawned from the 100-meter mosey, which was originally a Far Side comic that I wanted to have Harry compete in. Then I was like, whoa, I can make this a whole 'nother thing! Then it kinda mutated to what you see above. I chose for Harry to compete in the most outrageous cowboy-related things I could think of, just for the lols. For a great cowboy movie, see Blazing Saddles with Mel Brooks. That shit's a classic.**

**And Molly Carpenter makes another appearance! She always was one of my favorite characters from the Dresden-verse, so she's back! Yes, I know there were quite a few adventures between the whole Darkhallow incident (see chapters 4-5), and I know that the book with SplatterCon is the book that Molly actually becomes Dresden's apprentice, but this is fanfiction, and I'm bending the realities of space-time to my whims. Plus I just needed an excuse to get Molly back and in Vegas. Anyways, should have the next chapter out in short order. Peace  
*/**


	9. Chapter 9: Vegas, Baby Day 2

**/* AN: Soooo, maybe not as quick a turnaround as I'd've hoped. But I'm back and as good as ever. In case you're not following it, I have started writing for my other story Potter Legacy: James Jackson again. If you want a story of Harry Potter going back in time and winning the American Civil War for the Confederacy, check it out. I'm starting to alternate posting for this story and that and I'll probably even start writing for another of my stories that's fallen to the wayside, Master of the Universe, essentially a massive cross-over HP fic. But onto this story! It's day two of Harry's Sin City rampage, and I'm excited, I dunno about you. And heeeere we go!  
*/**

Agony. Harry awoke to sheer crippling agony.

Make that agony and a head and a half of bubblegum pink hair on his chest. The other half of the bubblegum hair was cotton-candy blue, making that head, the one on the left side of his chest, distinctly Molly Carpenter. That meant that the head on his right must be Tonks, which was swiftly confirmed as that head of pink hair shifted to a beautiful deep black color before she woke up.

Tonks looked up with gorgeous violet eyes and stared at Harry's emerald eyes. The nice moment was broken when Tonks started talking. "Holy fucking dick-licking, fudge-packing son of a bitch, my fucking head hurts. What the in the name of Merlin's bloody fucking scrotal waste happened last night?"

Harry bit back a snicker, decided Molly should probably be awake for this conversation, and woke her up. She woke up slowly, rolled onto Harry and gave him a nice kiss with a muttered "Good morning dearest husband."

That woke Harry right up, as it did for Tonks when she checked her finger and found the Lady Black ring on it. Molly held up her own hand, proudly showing off the Lady Potter ring on an important finger. Since she was apparently the least drunk the night before and could remember the most, she explained.

"So, at what point did you guys black out last night?"

Harry answered that he lost it playing hold 'em with some oil barons the night before, while Tonks didn't even remember that far.

"Alright then," Molly picked up again. "So you get the long version. So after we met up in the lobby, Harry won a few million and an Aston Martin on three consecutive jackpots on three separate slot machines."

"Ha, I remember that, I went to different machines wanting to lose. I mean, that's the experience, right? You go to Vegas and drop a bunch of money losing on slots? Well, I won the first jackpot, moved down, won the Martin, and repeated on the next machine for the last jackpot. I finally got my loss on the fourth machine, which just is not right, Vegas is supposed to rip you off!"

"Yeah, the floor manager's face when you explained that was classic. Now, if you don't mind dear, might I continue the story?" At a zipping motion of the lips from Harry, Molly continued. "Thank you. After the slots, you went to blackjack, made some more money there, and then did the same thing at the craps table. At this point, you'd racked up almost $5 million in winnings, at which point you were comped this suite, nice, right? Then you were gently asked to leave, at which point we went to the Belagio, leaving Sirius and Remus behind."

This time it was Tonks that cut in. "That's about where I lose it. I vaguely remember Harry winning a fuck-ton more money at hold 'em at the Belagio, then nothing."

"Right, that was the hold 'em with the oil barons that Harry lost it. However, for whatever reason, he seems to be even better playing poker while blackout drunk, because after that he went on a massive winning streak. You were eventually invited to the owner's game with the owners of the Belagio and the Mirage, who apparently wanted to make so money back off of you, some Greek billionaires, and some uber-rich land developers from the Middle East somewhere. You walked out of that game with a near $100 million in cash, the titles to two small islands in Greece and another small one in the Caribbean, 60% shares in the Mirage, which grants you this suite in perpetuity, and an invite to a massive poker game hosted by some guy named Le Chiffre later this summer."

Harry interrupted for a second time. "Hold up, I noticed you're calling me Harry, does that mean you know who I am?"

Molly huffed. "Yes, and I was just getting to that. After you left the owner's game with most of the players crying, we went on a mini-rampage through the city. We hit up a few strip clubs, went to a few gun shops, side note we now have enough guns to outfit a small military for at least one of our islands, they're packed into one of the duffels on the wall over there."

She pointed to a wall stacked with a dozen or so plain black duffel bags. When Harry started rummaging through them, he found most of them were filled with money, and Molly told him each bag held $10 million, except one filled to $5 million for a total haul of $125 million on the night.

He found the bag with the guns eventually and poured it onto the carpet. He wasn't surprised to find it stocked full of guns, but the sheer number staggered him. Apparently they had bought a dozen or so each of Desert Eagles, 1911's, Berettas, Glocks, and even some military-grade assault rifles and shotguns. All told they had probably close to a hundred firearms. He kept a few 1911's and Desert Eagles out to pack into his own luggage just in case, and then started packing the rest of the guns up. As he was packing them back into the magically expanded duffel, Molly continued the tale of their night.

"So after the buying pretty much all the guns in the city, we went to a few more strip clubs, then went to a place called 'Best Little Wedding Chapel' owned by a really sweet man named Eddie, the two of you bonded last night Harry. But anyways, we had a beautiful little three-way wedding last night officiated by an Elvis impersonator. At that time, you had to give your actual name, and you gave me your story on the way back to the hotel for our honeymoon, which leads us to now."

After a short time to assimilate the new information, Harry spoke. "Alright, this all makes sense. That said, I'm not sure if I'm wired right for marriage. If you know my story, you'll know I have no idea what love is. I know I really enjoy spending time with the two of you, but that's pretty much it for me. I will say that I care a great deal for both of you and will do anything to keep you happy, if that means anything."

Molly and Tonks shared a significant look, and Molly spoke up first. "Tonks, sidebar? Harry, give us a few minutes here? Go try calling Sirius and Remus or something, we probably won't be long."

Harry got up, threw on a pair of short, grabbed his phone and went into the sitting room. He called both his "guardians," getting the answering machine for both before Tonks and Molly called him back into the bedroom. Tonks was the one who talked first.

"Alright Harry, here's the deal. We understand you don't know what love is, so we're making this open for you. That means you sleep with who you want, but if either of us need you, in whatever fashion, you come running. That means you'll always have us at the top of your priority list. We went into this knowing that you'd never be monogamous, especially since there are two of us and you have to marry for a few other families from what I know of the Potter lineage."

Molly was next. "Plus, with how good you've gotten, it'd be a crime to keep your skills from womankind. That thing you do with your tongue? Just glorious. That said, Tonks and I will try our best to keep jealousy out of it, and anyone you bring in for more than a one-night stand has to understand this. Get it?"

Harry nodded. "Yes ma'am. And can I say the two of you are the best wives ever?"

The both melted a little, both at least a little in love with him and loving him all the more for his apparently heartfealt compliments. They shared another significant look, and dove at Harry's crotch for a repeat of their honeymoon the night before.

By the time they finished their shorter sex marathon, it was close to ten. Tonks had to get dressed and go back to work in London and apparated out with a long passionate kiss with Harry and a shorter but no less passionate kiss with Molly, which Harry watched with interest. Harry went for a shower, and upon entering the bathroom, immediately backed out.

"Molly dearest, do you have any idea why there are two baby nundu in our bathroom?"

Molly melted again at being called dearest and the ideal of "their bathroom." But when she answered in the negative as to the status of the nundu, Harry decided it was time to call in the experts. He pulled out his cell and gave a ring to Flankshank in Gringotts London and explained the situation, everything from the marriage to the two nundu, to the massive amounts of cash in his room.

Harry was told a representative of Gringotts America would be at the door shortly to take care of everything, and no sooner than Harry hung up was there a knock at the door. Harry opened it to show a goblin glamoured to look like an everyday banker.

"My name is Gutfister, and I assume you are Harry Fucking Potter and the new Lady Potter?"

"Yeah, wait what? Last I knew my name was Harry James Potter. But yes, this is the new Lady Potter"

"Well Mr. Potter, according to our records, yesterday Gringotts London got a notification from the Ministry that officially and legally changed you middle name to Fucking. We have since changed the name on your vaults to match."

"Oh, shit, fuckin' peyote. Fuck. Oh well, let's just go with that. So yes, I am. Anyways, I have these duffel bags to be transferred to my vaults in the UK, they contain $125 million in American dollars. This duffel needs to go to the Potter relic vault. The tough things to deal with are gonna be the nundu. Is there a property in the Black or Potter portfolio with enough space and food for what look to become a breeding pair of nundu?"

"Yes there is, Potter manor has the space necessary for a family of fully-matured nundu, and the manor has been rebuilt since it was burned down at the end of the first Voldemort war. In addition, there's a forest nearby that will be fully capable to sustain as nundu as you wish. And, as long as you train them well, you should have an excellent first line of defense for the rebuilt Potter Manor."

"This is true, and it's a point I hadn't thought of. Alright, do you have the capability to take care of all that stuff?"

"Yes Mr. Potter, I can take care of all of this for you. I'll get to work on that, unless you have anything further for me?"

"No, I don't. Wait, I lied, I do. I have recently gotten the deed to a few thousand head ranch in Texas, I put the deed on top of one of the money bags, can you have Flankshank add that to the Potter portfolio?"

With an answer to the positive from the goblin, Harry and Molly got dressed, leaving him to his business. Molly had to spend the entire day at SplatterCon, and would be going back to Chicago that night, so they kissed and said goodbye with a promise to call or text each other frequently and for Molly to move to England with him at the end of the summer.

Harry tried calling his guardians again, getting voicemail from both of them. He gave a snort that sounded conspicuously like "I'm a better guardian than those two." He decided to send a text message to Remus telling him that he'd be amusing himself in the city and asked if those two wanted to meet up later that night again.

Bored, Harry wound up wandering the strip again, and eventually made his way into a hotel hosting an open-card mixed martial arts (MMA) tournament. He shrugged to himself and said "fuck it," which was quickly becoming the motto for his journey, and signed up.

He got into the dressing room assigned to him and a few of the other fighters and ducked into the bathroom, transfiguring his pants into a pair of same shorts the other fighters were wearing, then added the logo for the Mirage down one leg for the hell of it, and since he owned it. Hey, free press is free press!

Soon the time came for the tournament to start, and Harry was matched against a huge Irish man that obviously subscribed to the Kimbo Slice thinking of MMA: be huge, be mean, and be an excellent street fighter. Although the man would have been alright on the streets in a large scrum, he was terrible against a single, faster, and much more technically skilled opponent. Harry easily decimated him thanks to the fighting style he'd picked up from Gwen.

That unusual mixture of Krav Maga and jujitsu kept him well-balanced against all the fighters he went against, and he easily made his way to the last four fighters without ever needing to go past the second round. Once he hit the last four, however, that was the point he actually became a little worried.

One of the three remaining competitors was the ghost of Bruce Lee, who had somehow returned to enough of a life to participate in the event and was somehow not being questioned on his recent return to life. He was also a personal hero from Harry's younger years. Even though he grew up in a cupboard, he still knew Bruce Lee and was in awe of him. The other two fighters were Chuck Norris, who in one of his previous fights proved that he did, in fact, have another fist in place of his chin, and Floyd "Money" Mayweather, who was doing this as a stunt to prepare for his next fight with Manny Pacquiao.

Harry's first fight was against Money Mayweather, luckily. While the man was an exceptional boxer and had excellent reflexes, he was still unused to the more brutal style of the octagon, and Harry managed to knock him out of the competition with a late-round KO.

In the next fight, Chuck Norris barely defeated Bruce Lee, who just didn't look the same fighter without a pair of nunchucks in his hands, by doing a pushup and pushing the Earth down, proving that old myth true, while knocking Money off-balance, which Chuck capitalized on with a moderated roundhouse, careful to not break the speed of light with his leg and kill the man.

Before their championship bout, Harry and Chuck participated in the age-old tradition of the boast contest as shouted angrily by the competitor's hypeman. Chuck Norris, of course, acted as his own hypeman, since he was truly that badass. Since Harry didn't have a pre-assigned hypeman, he was assigned Flava Flave as hypeman, and Harry made a mental not to start building his own crew and get a decent hypeman in it. As the unknown, Harry started off the boast contest.

"Mr. Funktastic is so fly, he can cut through a knife with hot butter!"

"Chuck Norris is so badass, he has a grizzly bear carpet in his house. The bear isn't dead, but the bear is just too afraid of Chuck Norris to move!"

"Mr. Funktastic is so fly, his hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush!"

And so it went on, until the actual fight started. In an incredibly close fight against the father of badassery, Harry barely lost on a surprise TKO from Chuck's chin fist. At the end of the fight, Chuck gave a press release officially retiring from the career of badassery and planned to move to the country and maybe take up ranching. The real surprise was that Chuck announced Harry as the next big thing in badassery. As thanks, Harry offered Chuck his recently acquired herd to manage, which Chuck gratefully took.

By this time, it was getting late, so Harry returned to the Mirage, saw Sirius and Remus were already out and about, and went out to Caesar's Palace, where he eventually found himself caught up with a tall dark-haired man and his extremely elderly companion. For the second night in a row, he was caught up in a whirlwind of booze, broads, and gambling.

**/* AN: Fin! You may recognize the first part of this chapter, there's a challenge floating around there somewhere about Harry going to Vegas and getting married, can't remember whose it is, but the first part of this chap is based on that and the Emeral Flight series by the incomparable megamatt09. Next chapter should be out soon. But we'll see. Peace  
*/**


	10. Chapter 10: A Newer Hope

**/* AN: Soo, next chapter ho! That's all I have to say in this author's note. Short and sweet.  
*/**

For yet another day, Harry awoke not knowing where he was, though the familiar pain on his left shoulder blade suggested that he got yet another tattoo. Since he was only wearing a black and gold bootyshorts that said "Who Dat?" across the ass, he could easily look at his shoulder and see his new ink.

There in curly script on his shoulder blade were the names "Dicky" and "Archer." By this time he'd realized that he was in jail and tried to recollect his night to find out what he was in jail for. Vaguely recognizing the two men lying on the ground next to him as the black-haired man and old man he'd met up with the night before he woke them up.

"Hey guys, wake up. I assume one of you is Dicky and the other is Archer? First off, which of you is which, and why exactly are we in jail?"

"That old bag of bones is Dicky, and my name is actually Cyril Figgis" the younger man said with an exaggerated wink when giving his own name. "As to why we're here, I have no idea, but I do know that if I don't get a drink in me soon the cumulative hangover from last night will literally kill me."

The three tried to put their heads together, and only managed to remember winning a few million each at various casinos the night before. All of a sudden, the three heard a shout from an extremely amused police officer at the front of the station. "Funktastic, you made bail! And everyone at the station laugh when we managed to piece together security footage of your night. So that's really a win-win for you!"

Even more confused, Harry walked out of the cell when it opened, and made his way towards a large cluster of cops around a large TV that, as he watched more, he realized was the pieced together tape of his night before.

"When we picked you up, you were charged with 57 charges of public intoxication, 23 counts of public indecency, 13 counts of public urination, 71 counts of minor vandalism, one count of major vandalism, and five counts of vehicle theft and DUI. The odd thing was all of your counts of DUI ended with you crashing into the building that was your case of major vandalism, is there any particular vendetta between you and the owner of that building, one Lord Malfoy?"

"Haha, Malfoy? Good old Bad Faith himself. Off the record, he and his son are both massive twats and racists. On the record, I've never met the guy and have no idea who he is."

"In that case, the count of major vandalism is being dropped from your record for lack of conclusive evidence. Well done. On the other hand, you will have to pay off fines for the rest of your offenses before you leave the city if you don't want to wait for a court date."

Harry deferred the offer of the court date and wrote a check out for the $257,532.38 he owed the city in damages before he tried to telepop back to the hotel to find Sirius and Remus. However, his hangover had impaired his judgment more than he'd thought, and wound up teleporting himself along the fourth dimension into an alternate reality.

Harry stood up and brushed himself off, not entirely surprised that even more crazy shit had happened to him. He came to the realization that he was on a planet that resembled nothing more than a single gigantic desert with nothing around as far as the eye could see.

Nothing, that is, except for the speeding, floating vehicle heading right at him. Piloted by an old man, there was a younger man passed out in the seat next to the driver and two non-humans in the back. One was gold and looked like a man, except the wires clearly visible; the other looked like a short squat garbage can with a rounded top. While Harry was taking in these details, the old man was clearly trying to stop himself from making him into a splatter on the windshield.

He needn't have worried, however, since Harry just jumped over the cruising land speeder, landing himself neatly into the back seat between the two androids, who were introduced as C3-PO and R2-D2, while the old man introduced himself as Ben Kenobi and the younger man as Luke Skywalker.

Ben piloted the land speeder to his home, and asked Harry about his life while they waited for Luke to wake back up from his encounter with the sand people. Since Harry's magic closely resembled Force manipulation, he was told about it, along with Luke when he finally came to. Unfortunately, since Ben only had Luke's father's old lightsabre, Harry didn't' get one, but Ben offered to walk him through creating one if Harry helped defeat the Empire that was oppressing the people.

Harry agreed, and with that the three men and two droids made their way to Mos Eisley after Luke made an impromptu trip to his home, only to find his aunt and uncle dead. Harry, understanding the loss felt after losing a father figure, talked to Luke about his grief.

Their talks were interrupted by Ben. "There it is, Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be careful."

"Scum and villainy, huh?" came the response from Harry. "Sounds like this place called Glasgow back home for me. This shouldn't be too bad between two Jedi and a badass mage like me."

"You think pretty highly of yourself, don't you Mr. Funktastic?" asked Luke, who, along with Ben, knew that their traveling companion was from another dimension. "And what do you mean _two _Jedi _plus_ you. Ben's not a Jedi, are you Ben?"

"Yeah bro, I can feel the Force flowing through his body, same as yours. And given some of the things I've done in my life, I think I can get away with being a bit cocky. I'll tell you some of my stories on the way to Alderaan. I've seen things in a girl's bathroom at my old school that would make you shit your pants."

Luke gave a skeptical glance at Ben, who gave a nod signaling that he was, in fact, Jedi. That minor issue out of the way, the five made their way to the bar, their only hangup a short run-in with a pair of what Luke called 'Stormtroopers,' which Ben handled with a sweet Jedi mind trick that was like Legilimancy. They made their way into the bar, where they met Ben's smuggler contact and his Wookie co-pilot, who Harry immediately liked. The smuggler was sarcastic and as cocky as he was, and the Wookie was just a funny and cocky. In the back of his mind, Harry thanked Dresden's Fallen for adding Wookie to the languages he could speak and understand.

After a talk with Han and Chewie that was mostly Luke bitching about pointless shit, Chewie led the three to their ship, the Milennium Falcon, while Han had to deal with a bounty hunter named Greedo. When he got to the Falcon, he was being chased by a squad of Stormtroopers and was quick to get the Falcon up into the air. While they were on their way to Alderaan, he worked a little with Ben on his wandless magic, which was what the Jedi called the Force.

Luckily, he was quick to understand the concepts of using his will to channel the cosmic Force into doing what he desired, and he had already trained on using his magic to reinforce his reflexes, speed, and body, so while Luke was working on those aspects of Force training, he was either getting used to the blaster Han gave him, or joking around with him and Chewie.

By the time they got to the space previously occupied by Alderaan, which was now destroyed by the Empire, not that any of them knew that at the time, Harry was really close to Han and Chewie and was a dead shot with his blaster. When they were trapped in the tractor beam of the "That's no moon," Harry was quick to hit them all with a package of charms he'd personally thrown together to hide them absolutely from the Stormtroopers that flooded the Falcon to find out who was there, but still allowed them to see each other.

Using these charms, it was easy for the group to sneak around the space station, allowing Ben to easily reach his objective, the tractor beam controls, which he would turn off, allowing them to leave. Meanwhile, Harry, Han, and Luke snuck into the prison on the station, allowing them to free the princess the Empire had captured, which Harry did easily with a subvocalized 'Alohamora.'

Harry hit Leia with his charms package, making her as invisible to the Empire as they were, and convinced her to go with them. They made it into the elevator to make their way back to the Falcon. As it opened, the group was hit with a wave of elevator music, namely, the song "My Heart Will Go On." At this point, Luke snapped. With a shout of "I hate this motherfucking song and its goddam pennywhistle solo!" he shot out the speakers in the elevator.

The elevator stopped immediately, and a voice came over the intercom asking if everything was alright. Han, the master of subtlety that he was, answered. "Yes, everything's fine here, just a, um, thing. You know how it goes. How's everything up there, with you?"

The voice gave a deep sigh. "Well, Empire stuff is as good as ever, but personally? That's another matter entirely. So my girlfriend tells me that..."

As the Stormtrooper droned on and on about how much his girlfriend hated him working for the Empire, Harry dragged the group out of the elevator, which was clearly not going anywhere. He led them down towards the cells, which was really the only place for them to go. They were unfortunately met with a group of troopers summoned when they realized that Leia's cell was empty. Stuck in a firefight on two sides, Harry took the only course he saw. He started randomly blasting the shit out of everything around him until he found a way out.

He eventually blasted his way into the next room over, and was inside before he realized that it was the women's shower. And it was fully occupied. And his charms had been dropped by the blaster bolts whizzing past him. Luckily for him, however, the women showering all thought he was extremely attractive, and mobbed him, allowing Han, Luke, and Leia to make their way out.

He used some minor Legilimancy on Han to tell him he would stay behind and spy on the Empire for them and would meet them at the final battle. He, being the gentleman he was, delayed the women from joining the search for his now-departing friends the way he knew best: by starting off a massive orgy in the showers.

When the orgy finally wound down, Harry was led to a big dude in an all-black outfit and a breathing mask on his face, who introduced himself as Darth Vader. Harry explained that he was taken prisoner on the Falcon when Kenobi found he could use the Force but refused to join them against the Empire, and used their landing on the Death Star to escape custody.

Vader told him that he had killed Obi-Wan Kenobi and welcomed him with figuratively opened arms to the Dark Side with the pitch, "Come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." And, sure enough, when Harry "pledged" himself to the Dark Side, Vader brought out a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

Vader took Harry on as his Padawan, teaching him about the darker side of the Force, which mostly consisted of Force attacks dealing more damage at the cost of drawing on harsher emotions. Harry, who had more than enough hate in his heart for Umbitch, Voldemort, and his Death Munchers, excelled at Vader's teachings.

Over the time he spent with Vader, he had not forgotten about his pledge to spy for the resistance. Using the legilimancy probe he'd dropped in Han's head before he was engulfed in scores of attractive women begging to fuck him, he passed along information about raids and attacks the Empire had planned, leading to a huge amounts of failures for the Empire.

In return, Han passed along the date of the resistance's attack on the Death Star. When it finally came, Harry joined Darth and two other pilots to protect the narrow trench that led to the single weakness on the supposedly-indestructible space station, though somehow Harry managed to miss every single resistance ship he fired at. In return, Han made sure to let the resistance know which ship was Harry's, and he was likewise missed by every shot sent his way.

When the Death Star finally went down, Harry told Han he would stick by Vader for the time being, having picked up the plans for a second Death Star in Vader's head. He wished him luck and told him he'd be in touch, then rocketed off in search of his Sith mentor.

**/* AN: Ayooo, chapter done! Props if you got the Archer x-over at the beginning of the chapter! After that, it's pretty obvious what the x-over is from there. This chapter takes care of Epsiode IV, next chapter should take us through Episodes V and VI, then into the dangerous realm of post-VI action. You'll see when the next chapter comes out. But yeah, how 'bout that, two chapters back to back! Next chapter out will be for PL:JJ, then probably back to this, we'll see where my motivation falls down. Spring break starts in a few days for me, so I won't have much time to write (hopefully), so hang tight, I'll get stuff out ASAP, I promise. Peace,  
*/**


	11. NOTICE: NOT A NEW CHAP

**Hey everybody, not a new chapter, sorry! That said, I've finally replaced the laptop I may or may not have lit on fire during a booze-fueled drunken rampage during spring break. Hint, I did. So, I've now replaced the laptop, so new chapters should be coming out shortly! Sorry for the wait, but shit happens. Especially to my drunken alter-ego. Peace,**

**Manski**


	12. Chapter 12:Return of the Mage-Jedi Thing

**/* AN: So I know I said that it might be a while before my next chapter came out, and spring break really threw me back for a while, especially that whole 'lit-my-laptop on fire' situation. But, I'm back and better than ever with a new 'top! So, new chapter ho!  
*/**

After the battle at the Death Star, Harry spent the following years at the side of the Sith master he had apprenticed himself to. He managed to pass along several plans to the Resistance, most notably the invasion of Hoth.

He also managed to pass along to the Resistance the location of the new Death Star the Empire was building. He stood side-by-side with his Sith Lord as they threw the Emperor into the power core on the new Death Star. Even though Vader died from over-exposure to the Force Lightning Emperor Palpatine was throwing around like candy on Halloween, Harry managed to keep him alive just long enough for him to reconcile with his son Luke.

In the years following the overthrow of the Empire, Harry spent most time working with Luke to eradicate the remaining pockets of the Empire's strongholds through the galaxy and expanding the new Jedi Order. After participating in both Luke and Han's wedding, to a former Empire Jedi named Mara and Princess Leia respectively, Harry spent the next almost two decades traveling search for lost Jedi and Sith holocrons.

Most of the holocrons he found were previously in the Jedi Temple before Palpatine raided it, which he sent back to Luke and the rebuilding Jedi order on Yavin 4. The holocrons Harry sent back mainly contained lost Force techniques, which adapted to his own unique form of Force/magic use. He also managed to discover scores of lost lightsabre patterns, as well as designs for a few other Force weapons, like the Force whip and Force nunchucks.

Harry built himself two lightsabres and a pair of Force sais, since the Force nunchucks were actually extremely useless. His main sabre had a curved hilt made of solid gold Harry had charmed to not melt with heat, was covered in emeralds, and had a blacklight blade. The hilt also had a direwolf head on the hilt, as a nod to his first animagus form. Other than its ability to show stains, he loved the creepy factor his blade gave him and the glow it gave his now all-white outfits.

He used the idea of his magical tattoos to store his main sabre on his hip, where a normal sword would be scabbarded. His backup sabre had a plain hilt and a camouflage blade. And yes, the blade was actually a camo pattern. That was stored on his right ankle, while the blaster Han gave him was stored on his left ankle. His sais were stored on his lower back, where he could easily reach around and grab them. Both had hot pink blades.

While Harry made excellent progress making lightsabres and learning lost Force techniques, he made slower progress in his main purpose for his study: finding out how to replicate his inter-dimensional Apperation. One plus of spending time away from his universe was the fact that he apparently wasn't aging past the fifteen he was or the nineteen he looked like.

Harry kept in contact with Luke during his self-appointed exile/study, and one day Luke contacted him that the Jedi Praxeum was being attacked by the Shadow Academy, a battle station/training facility for Dark Jedi. Unfortunately for Luke, he and most of the rest of the Jedi Knights and Masters were unavailable to help, leaving his niece and nephew in charge of the defenses of the Praxeum. Luke wanted Harry to head to Yavin 4 and help the Padawans and apprentices defend the planet.

Since Harry was a system over, he could easily make a short hop to Yavin 4 and help, which he quickly did. Landing a fair distance from the Praxeum to prevent notice as long as possible, he touched down his ship and apparated to the Praxeum, where he was quickly met with a warning blaster shot near the face from a gorgeous but jumpy girl in her mid-teens. Realizing the dime in front of him was Luke's niece Jaina, he introduced himself.

"Whoa there Jaina, I'm with you guys. Your uncle sent me to help out where I can. My name is Mr. Funktastic. Now what are we looking at here?"

"Sorry Mr. Funktastic, we're all a bit twitchy here. Wait, Mr. Funktastic, as in the war hero and guy who officiated my parents' wedding in a bathrobe and sunglasses?"

Harry gave a brief chuckle. "Heh, yeah that's me. To both of those. The bathrobe is actually the official vestments for my religion, Dudism. It's a religion on my home planet that's actually quite similar to the Jedi beliefs. But with a heavy emphasis on weed and White Russians and inherent hatred of a band called The Eagles, hence my heavy consumption of both during your parents' wedding. You dad loved it, but your mom told me I'd never officiate anything official ever again. But that's not important now, we can share stories about how I quote unquote ruined your mother's big day later. What are we looking at?"

"Right, business. Jaden took a handful of Padawans to get the orbital shield back up while Lowbacca took another handful up in fighters to keep the Academy from dropping bombs on our head. My little brother Anakin took the apprentices down to the lowest level with blasters and an order to blast anyone that isn't me or Jaden."

Harry thought for a minute and pulled up a map of the Praxeum on the holographic table in front of him. "Right, that's a good start. Soon the Academy will be sending down Dark Apprentices and Padawans, if not Knights and Masters. You have what, two, three dozen Padawans and Knights left?"

Jaina nodded. "Closer to three. And we'll get a half dozen more when Jaden comes back. Lowie's keeping his guys up there for air support."

"Excellent. Once your brother comes back, we give him half of the Padawans and the open quadrant to the north. Give them blasters and droids, have them do hit-and-runs. I found a hunter-killer droid that used to belong to some guy named Revan, and he can take the quadrant to the east by himself. Do you have an apprentice especially skilled at manipulating like trees and shit?"

Jaina nodded and Harry continued. "Give him or her two thirds of the remaining Jedi, sent the last ones down to protect the young ones, just in case. They'll take the south, use the forest to thin down numbers and sneak attack. I'll take the west quadrant. Give me your best shot as backup in the Praxeum, I have a type of blaster for whoever it is to use. I'll take a comms set and my backup can tell me if any quadrants are being overrun and I'll pop over and help them out. Sound good?"

Jaina stood for a minute thinking over the plan, trying to find holes. "Yeah, that sounds good to me. I'll call everyone in and give them assignments. As for your backup, I'll do that. You sure you can take a whole quadrant by yourself?"

"Yeah, not a problem, I've got enough weapons on me to be a one-man siege and I've done nothing but study Force techniques for the past twenty years. Now, for you weapon, then I'll equip HK-47 and we'll get this shit done with. HOOAH!"

Thanking himself for keeping one of the bags of guns he'd bought in Vegas in a tattoo on his leg, he pulled it off, chuckling at the dumbstruck look on Jaina's face for his seemingly impossible feat.

"This is just the least I can do, sweetheart. If you're still alive later I may tell you how to do this yourself." he told her, making her perk up immediately and make a mental note to ask to be apprenticed to the incredibly handsome and skilled man in front of her.

Harry pulled out the modified Dragunov he'd bought in Vegas and handed it to Jaina. It was a beautiful piece, all matte black with green lightning bolts down the barrel. He showed her how to strip it down and check it, and walked her through the bolt action, infrared scope, and the safety. He told her about how the clip was charmed to never be empty, as long as the safety was off, there would be a bullet in the chamber once the bolt action was worked.

He pulled out a pair of AA-12 shotguns charmed to have endless explosive bullets and took off his shirt. Ignoring the hungry looks Jaina gave him and mentally noting to hit that at a later date, he shoved one of the AA-12s into the skin on his right shoulder, going across his back. He set the other AA-12 aside for HK-47 and proceeded to shove the rest of his now non-charmed arsenal into his skin. A pair of Desert Eagles went where shoulder holsters would hang, an M4 went down the back of his left leg, and two pair of 1911's went down his sternum and abs. He added a machete on the inside of his left forearm and a sweet katana he'd found in his vault in Britain on the inside of his right forearm.

As he started loading more and more weapons into tattoos on his body, Jaina's eyes got wider and wider. She finally asked him, "Do you really need all those weapons? And where did you get all of them?"

As Harry packed the now-empty bag of weapons back into his leg, he answered distractedly. "I'd rather have them and not need them than to not have them and need them. Plus, other than your Dragunov and the AA-12, the guns have limited bullets. Most of these I got in my home universe before I accidentally sent myself into this one. And I'm glad I thought to grab all these before I left. Normally, I don't carry nearly this much death on me, but this is a war. Now then, let's get going!"

Jaina called in HK-47 and the Jedi, including Jaden now that he'd fixed the orbital shield. She explained the plan to the assembled Jedi and let them figure out who was going with which leader. As everyone filed out to their sections and HK-47 grabbed his AA-12, Jaina gave Harry a quick kiss ("For luck. It's a family tradition") and went to the top floor of the Praxeum, where she had a good line of sight to all the quadrants. Harry went to his quadrant and hit himself with a disillusionment spell, waiting for the Dark Jedi to arrive.

When they did, Harry started ghosting around trimming off Dark Jedi from the edges of the pack of two score sent at him with his tomahawks. After the Jedi noticed their dropping comrades and the distant crack of Jaina's Dragunov, they started becoming more cautious, making stealth killing implausible Deciding to go big, Harry pulled off his AA-12 and with a shouted "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" open fire on the massed Jedi.

Easily wiping them out of existence, Harry asked Jaina where he needed to go. Upon being told that the north quadrant was in trouble, he telepopped over, asking Jaina to keep an eye on his quadrant in case more Jedi went there. As he got to the north quadrant, he cast a spell of artificial darkness for a few feet around him and pulled out his darksabre. The blade making his white shorts and bared teeth glow eerily, he charged past the line Jaden was stubbornly holding and cut into the Dark Jedi with a fury not seen since last time Sirius called Snape a Snivelling Snapealupagus (approximately a week ago; Sirius had hired someone to take Polyjuice one a month to look like him and insult the dour Potions Master). One sai in his off hand, he looked like he was dancing as he wiped out nearly half of the two-score Dark Jedi still standing.

When Jaina told him the south quadrant was in trouble, he left the mop-up to Jaden and moved on. After bailing out the south quadrant, he had to return to the west and take out another wave. After emptying the last clips on the last of his guns, having lost the AA-12 to an errant lightsabre cut in the south, he faced a Dark Jedi who looked like he was in charge. Introducing himself as Brakiss, he pulled his red lightsabres and charged. Harry pulled out his main sabre and one of his sai, he charged back.

After a brief battle, in which Harry mostly was playing with Brakiss, Harry separated Brakiss' head from his shoulder. Using his Metamorph skills, he morphed into Brakiss' form and ordered a retreat and led the remaining Dark Jedi, only a dozen or so of the nearly 100 sent at the Praxeum, back to the Academy. Harry, in Brakiss' form, walked around the Academy and sabotaged the thing to blow up upon exiting hyperspace, and hopped in an escape pod, changing back to his own form as he did.

As he landed, he was immediately hit with a brown-haired missile who, judging from the enthusiastic kissing he was getting from the missile, Harry figured was Jaina. After enthusiastically returning the kiss for a while, he started the Jedi on the task of giving the proper burial rights to the few Jedi that had died and returning the Praxeum to its pristine condition before Luke returned.

When Luke finally did return, with as many Jedi Knights and Masters as he could find, he found the Praxeum in perfect condition, only a few Padawans dead, fewer injured, and Harry passed out naked next to an equally naked Jaina.

After a brief shouting episode in which Luke was less than happy about the position he found his precious niece in, Luke officially thanked Harry and offered him a reward for his services rendered. After a talk with Jaina, her parents, and Luke, they agreed to apprentice Jaina to Harry for the rest of his time in this universe with an option to go with him back to his universe.

Several years later found Jaina married to Harry and sharing the whole non-aging while away from his universe thing he had going on, leaving her fixed at seventeen until they returned to Harry's universe, which she had agreed to do after a long talk with her family. She had found out about Harry's other wives and agreed to the same provisions they had laid out for Harry. Eventually, the two figured out how to Apparate between universes. They spent another year traveling the galaxy, saying goodbye to Jaina's family and allowing Harry to teach Jaina even more of the tips and tricks he knew including the skin tattoos, before the two disappeared from the universe, returning to Harry's Las Vegas.

Apparently, only a few seconds had gone by since when Harry accidentally sent himself to a different universe, and the two took advantage of this fact by going back to Harry's comped suite at the Mirage for a welcome-to-a-new universe sex marathon for Jaina before the two met Remus and Sirius for a very late breakfast.

They found the two older men at a table by the pool, wearing sunglasses and slumped over in apparent agony. Jaina was wearing a bikini Tonks had left when she went back to England and Harry was only wearing a pair of board shorts, showing off the five new weapons tattooed on his body. Jaina had reworked her lightsabre hilts to something much more artsy and had stored them over her shoulders.

The two immediately drew almost all the attention around the pool as a pair of extremely attractive people. The only two people who didn't look up were Sirius and Remus, who looked like they were passed out. Harry and Jaina sat down at their table and startled the two men when they figured out who sat down at the table.

"Hey pup," came the tired greeting from Sirius. "Who's this, another wife?"

"Actually, yes. This is Jaina. And I have a massive story for the two of you." Waving up a few quick privacy charms, he gave them a quick rundown of his adventures in Jaina's galaxy. After they got time to digest the whole story and ask clarifying questions, they decided to figure out what exactly their next move was.

Jaina decided to go with Harry to California, while Sirius and Remus chose to stay another night or two in Vegas and catch the pair in Cali whenever they got there. So, saying goodbye to the two men, Harry grabbed his luggage and newest wife and started on the next step of his incredible summer journey.

**/* AN: Boom, done! Sorry this took so long, but at least the new chapter is done! So Dudism. Actually a real religion, heavily based on Buddhism as seen through the eyes of The Dude from the movie The Big Lebowski. I'm not sure if the bit about the official vestments is actually accurate, but I was telling a friend of mine about my uncle, who is actually a certified Dudist minister officiating his friend's wedding, and we were joking about him officiating in a bathrobe and sunglasses, White Russian in hand and taking drags off a roach clip during the vows. If none of this makes sense to you, watch The Big Lebowski, it's so worth it. I promise.**

**The bit about the blacklight lightsabre came from an excellent webcomic called xkcd. I'll try to find the link to the specific comic and throw it up somewhere, either here or in the AN for next chapter. That's done, now on to the next one!  
*/**


End file.
